In times past, when something weighs heavy on my soul, I write. I find myself writing tonight.
So many opportunities have found their way in my path - I feel shamed that I am so ready to write at a time of sorrow, but haven't posted the beautiful moments in my life that have come-to-pass recently. The truth is, often we forget to celebrate our most wonderful moments - and this is something I will work on in the future.
But alas, I find myself pondering, unable to sleep, and aching to share my heart's weight. ...
Here I am.
Here he is. Here she is.
Many moons ago, a December night that I will never forget, I answered the phone. My dearest friend (one who I still credit with saving my life) was frantic saying "He finally did it... he did it!!"
"What? Who?"
It seemed that my dear friend's father had finally given in to his demons and committed suicide. He hanged himself from a friend's basketball goal.
"DAD! He said he would do it - he did it - I'm right outside of Baird, and headed to Austin..."
I told her, "Turn around, come back and get me, I'll find someone to keep the kids..." And I did, and she did- she turned around, picked me up and we drove all night to Austin to stay with her grandparents and later identify her father's body.
He had indeed hanged himself. The details and reasons are not important - but I remember standing in the office of the local mortician - viewing his body from the "glass on the other side" and thinking so many things that I will not share here - but will stay with me for the rest of my life. When you have lost someone tragically and unexpectedly, like I had with my own mother - and now with my friend's father - viewing a body before it was "prepared" is like carving a scar within your soul. It won't be erased. It won't be understood. It just is. It hurts. It's never softened.
Trying to sort through - I will not pretend that there is solace or respite from this questioning and pain. I wanted to rip it out of her - I wanted to breathe life back into him. There are so many other parts of this time - but I can only say that, to this day, I live these moments with her. I love her more because she trusted me enough to turn around and let me support her through the hardest days...
Robin Williams death has shaken me. I was not surprised and yet I was still shaken. Genius will always come with a certain insanity - darkness - pain. I couldn't help but hear about this brilliant entertainers death and draw a line to my friend, our pasts - our now.
It doesn't go away. It doesn't. The edges are worn away - they are not so harsh - they cut less sharply - but you never forget. Somewhere in the soul's ability to rebound - we remember. We always remember.
I feel almost silly that a man's death has affected me - a man that I have never met - but his pain - his drive to end his suffering - found me thinking of my friend, her father, my mother... the past... the pain... and I haven't slept.
Depression is a distorted view of the possible. All that is (possible) becomes clearly impossible. Hopelessness seeps into a level that most will not understand.
And I wish for you - I pray for you - stillness of spirit - awareness of opportunity - and understanding... complete and absolute understanding... that tomorrow is possible, that you are loved, and that I love you - brilliantly, completely and with unabashed Simone-ness.
(And I promise, my next writing won't be so heavy.)
Yours. & Loving You.
§
So many opportunities have found their way in my path - I feel shamed that I am so ready to write at a time of sorrow, but haven't posted the beautiful moments in my life that have come-to-pass recently. The truth is, often we forget to celebrate our most wonderful moments - and this is something I will work on in the future.
But alas, I find myself pondering, unable to sleep, and aching to share my heart's weight. ...
Here I am.
Here he is. Here she is.
Many moons ago, a December night that I will never forget, I answered the phone. My dearest friend (one who I still credit with saving my life) was frantic saying "He finally did it... he did it!!"
"What? Who?"
It seemed that my dear friend's father had finally given in to his demons and committed suicide. He hanged himself from a friend's basketball goal.
"DAD! He said he would do it - he did it - I'm right outside of Baird, and headed to Austin..."
I told her, "Turn around, come back and get me, I'll find someone to keep the kids..." And I did, and she did- she turned around, picked me up and we drove all night to Austin to stay with her grandparents and later identify her father's body.
He had indeed hanged himself. The details and reasons are not important - but I remember standing in the office of the local mortician - viewing his body from the "glass on the other side" and thinking so many things that I will not share here - but will stay with me for the rest of my life. When you have lost someone tragically and unexpectedly, like I had with my own mother - and now with my friend's father - viewing a body before it was "prepared" is like carving a scar within your soul. It won't be erased. It won't be understood. It just is. It hurts. It's never softened.
Trying to sort through - I will not pretend that there is solace or respite from this questioning and pain. I wanted to rip it out of her - I wanted to breathe life back into him. There are so many other parts of this time - but I can only say that, to this day, I live these moments with her. I love her more because she trusted me enough to turn around and let me support her through the hardest days...
Robin Williams death has shaken me. I was not surprised and yet I was still shaken. Genius will always come with a certain insanity - darkness - pain. I couldn't help but hear about this brilliant entertainers death and draw a line to my friend, our pasts - our now.
It doesn't go away. It doesn't. The edges are worn away - they are not so harsh - they cut less sharply - but you never forget. Somewhere in the soul's ability to rebound - we remember. We always remember.
I feel almost silly that a man's death has affected me - a man that I have never met - but his pain - his drive to end his suffering - found me thinking of my friend, her father, my mother... the past... the pain... and I haven't slept.
Depression is a distorted view of the possible. All that is (possible) becomes clearly impossible. Hopelessness seeps into a level that most will not understand.
And I wish for you - I pray for you - stillness of spirit - awareness of opportunity - and understanding... complete and absolute understanding... that tomorrow is possible, that you are loved, and that I love you - brilliantly, completely and with unabashed Simone-ness.
(And I promise, my next writing won't be so heavy.)
Yours. & Loving You.
§
2 comments:
I know....
My dear, sweet friend who will remain my sister regardless where you live...thank you. Your post resonates quite loudly to me and probably many others.
I love you so much and I am so grateful to you for making me turn around to pick you up on that fateful night back in 2004. I didn't realize at the time, nor at all until I read this post, how much I was asking of you to go through that horrible, tragic life event. I'm not sure why I called you that night other than I was so upset and wanted to hear my best friend's voice. I honestly don't remember saying what I said to you in that phone call, but I'm so glad you talked some sense into me and made me turn around. I didn't realize what I was asking of you given how your mother died.
We shared quite a few laughs over those few horrible days, which I will never forget. I also won't forget having a raging headache and you taking care of me. You really are an amazing friend.
Robin Williams was amazing, talented, giving person, and there aren't enough words to describe him. I watched a morning news show today and Henry Winkler was on talking about Robin. He said that this very quiet, shy guy came on to the set of Happy Days and that once the camera started rolling, the comedian we all know and love came out in full force. He remained the person we all knew and loved through all the decades of his career. Yes he battled drug addiction, depression, and thank God he was so vocal about his demons he wrestled with. I definitely feel for his family in his passing the way he did.
It's amazing how someone we really didn't know can cause such a flood of emotions. Like you, Robin Williams' untimely and tragic death brought back my dad's passing in full force. Actually, anytime I hear of someone committing suicide...I'm right back where I was almost 10 years ago.
Suicide totally sucks. I understand how a person can literally be at the end of their rope and think their life is over. Sometimes they've lost their family and jobs, started using drugs, been arrested, etc., BUT suicide is never the answer. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It is a very serious and selfish act.
I would be lying if I said I hadn't ever considered killing myself, but I never acted on it. I had enough self control to reign those thoughts in and direct my thoughts elsewhere.
Being a child of a suicide victim, I have been angry, hurt, sad, depressed, relieved my dad is no longer suffering, etc. I share a common bond with so many people because of my dad's final act. I share a common bond with you.
In closing, please don't be overly sad by Robin Williams' final act. Obviously he was suffering greatly, but he wouldn't want his family, friends, acquaintances, and fans to grieve in his passing. We should be thankful that we got to see him at his finest.
Robin Williams' quotes:
"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world."
"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't
lose it."
"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." (I have this one up on my wall at work.)
"In America they really do mythologize people when they die."
I love you Timone and you'll always be my best friend, my sister, my soul mate no matter how far away you live and how seldom we talk!
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