Fresh Flowers - A lesson in happiness.

Years back - but not that many years - I was blessed to work for a lovely school in Abilene, Texas.  St. John's Episcopal School taught me lessons in bravery, right and wrong, and introduced me to teachers and parents who branded their own light and love into my heart.  Forever blessed for such an amazing experience - I can only look back and smile.

One of my favorite memories was with our P.E. teacher, Rebekah - I'm reserving mentioning her last name - but she is one of those souls who you can't help but feel your cheeks rise when she's around.  She always made me smile.

One day, Rebekah came into my office and there were flowers on my desk.  At the time I was unmarried and she said... "Awwwww! Simone - who are the flowers from!?"

In my simple Simone-style, I responded:  "Me."    She grinned, pulling her head back to the side, "You got yourself flowers?"

"I sure did!"

I gave her my speech - something I will share with you today.

Flowers.  I love them.  I LOVE Flowers.  I love plants.  For years during my first marriage (yeah, yeah, I know) I would pine after those elusive flowers.  I wanted some.  Why wouldn't anyone buy me flowers?  How come they didn't know?   I love flowers.  They make my heart happy - why - oh why - didn't I get flowers.

::knock:: ::knock::  Hello, Captain Obvious.  You want flowers?  Buy them yourself.

(So here's the question for you fellow pining flower lovers - do you want flowers?  Or do you want attention? .... Things that make you go hmmmmmn....)

Somewhere in my thinking I realized, if you want flowers - well, get flowers!  Obvious.  Simple.

And yet, how this vexed me for years!!

Simple enough.  You see chocolate.  You want chocolate.  You buy chocolate.  You see a shirt you love.  You want this shirt you're loving.  You buy this shirt you're loving.  ... Flowers?  SAME THING!

Ever notice how fresh flowers or plants make you feel better?  Okay - maybe that's not true for everyone ... but it's true for a lot of us... Don't you love looking up at your desk, table, dresser, cabinet top - whatever - and seeing fresh lovely flowers?  It's healing.  It's living.  It's lovely.

So - I'm challenging you - my beautiful wonderful friends and readers -

Buy flowers.  For yourself.

Or - even better - don't wait for others to figure out what you need to be happy.  Make yourself happy.

Love and light - and happy Friday.  HAPPY FRIDAY!

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When The Levee Breaks - Hanging by a Thread....

In times past, when something weighs heavy on my soul, I write.  I find myself writing tonight.

So many opportunities have found their way in my path - I feel shamed that I am so ready to write at a time of sorrow, but haven't posted the beautiful moments in my life that have come-to-pass recently.  The truth is, often we forget to celebrate our most wonderful moments - and this is something I will work on in the future.

But alas, I find myself pondering, unable to sleep, and aching to share my heart's weight.  ...
Here I am.

Here he is.  Here she is.

Many moons ago, a December night that I will never forget, I answered the phone.  My dearest friend (one who I still credit with saving my life) was frantic saying "He finally did it... he did it!!" 

"What?  Who?" 

It seemed that my dear friend's father had finally given in to his demons and committed suicide.  He hanged himself from a friend's basketball goal. 

"DAD!  He said he would do it - he did it - I'm right outside of Baird, and headed to Austin..."

I told her, "Turn around, come back and get me, I'll find someone to keep the kids..."   And I did, and she did- she turned around, picked me up and we drove all night to Austin to stay with her grandparents and later identify her father's body. 

He had indeed hanged himself.  The details and reasons are not important - but I remember standing in the office of the local mortician - viewing his body from the "glass on the other side" and thinking so many things that I will not share here - but will stay with me for the rest of my life.  When you have lost someone tragically and unexpectedly, like I had with my own mother - and now with my friend's father - viewing a body before it was "prepared" is like carving a scar within your soul.  It won't be erased.  It won't be understood.  It just is.  It hurts.  It's never softened.

Trying to sort through - I will not pretend that there is solace or respite from this questioning and pain.  I wanted to rip it out of her - I wanted to breathe life back into him.  There are so many other parts of this time - but I can only say that, to this day, I live these moments with her.  I love her more because she trusted me enough to turn around and let me support her through the hardest days...

Robin Williams death has shaken me.  I was not surprised and yet I was still shaken.  Genius will always come with a certain insanity - darkness - pain.   I couldn't help but hear about this brilliant entertainers death and draw a line to my friend, our pasts - our now.

It doesn't go away.  It doesn't.  The edges are worn away - they are not so harsh - they cut less sharply - but you never forget.  Somewhere in the soul's ability to rebound - we remember.  We always remember.

I feel almost silly that a man's death has affected me - a man that I have never met - but his pain - his drive to end his suffering - found me thinking of my friend, her father, my mother... the past... the pain... and I haven't slept.

Depression is a distorted view of the possible.  All that is (possible) becomes clearly impossible.  Hopelessness seeps into a level that most will not understand.

And I wish for you - I pray for you - stillness of spirit - awareness of opportunity - and understanding... complete and absolute understanding... that tomorrow is possible, that you are loved, and that I love you - brilliantly, completely and with unabashed Simone-ness.

(And I promise, my next writing won't be so heavy.)

Yours.  & Loving You.

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