The 10th Cause - It's Real

Peter Gabriel (Feat. Kate Bush) - Don't Give Up

Mental Health Inpatient Stay - 11 days

That happened. 

I wish I could say it was this "one thing" that made me do what I did... but really, it is a cornucopia of self-neglect and denial.   In November I had a plan - I even took a photo of the place I was going to blow my brains out.  Then I happened upon the path of a NP who recognized the signs and tried to admit me.  I wouldn't do it.  I knew I would know people, my daughter was coming to visit in less than a week, and I was convinced that I "had this" and could turn it around.  Almost exactly two-months later I tried my best to end my life - lots of tequila, with the intent to follow it with pills ... I ended up too much tequila-ed and, to my chagrin, I woke up the next morning.

Let's talk about depression.   ...   I paused a lot before I even started to type.  This subject is taboo and it's frowned upon.  Worse - it's a killer.   Let's look at the numbers - you know I LOVE numbers:

• Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US
• In 2017, 47,173 Americans died by suicide
• In 2017, there were an estimated 1,400,000 suicide attempts
• In 2015, suicide and self-injury cost the US $69 Billion
• On average, there are 129 suicides per day
• White males accounted for 77.97% of suicide deaths in 2017
• In 2017, firearms accounted for 50.57% of all suicide deaths

Being admitted to the hospital, on a ward where I couldn't have shoe laces, or personal hygiene items (without supervision), I couldn't have my cell phone or computer, had to ask to take a shower or make a phone call - well, it strips a lot of the fluff from your identity.  My first week I did a lot of co-counseling with the staff - because after all, I can give amazing insight and advice to others.  Then the staff called me out on working on everyone but me - and it was recommended that I not attend group sessions anymore.  Stripped of my fluff - I had to focus on me and it was/is me that I didn't like in the first place.

Since I've been out of the loony bin (come on, we have to joke about this), I've seen MDs, PAs, NPs, LCSW, LCPCs and more... I have a lot of work to do on me to be healthy.   (On a funny note - the psychiatrist today had to schedule another meeting today because my history could not be told in an hour and fifteen minutes....) 

And I guess that's where I'm trying to go with this blog.  You can't run away from the past.  You have to face it.  You can't drown it in alcohol, you can't obsessively spend time at work, you can't ignore it or even pretend that you're okay. 

You have to be braver than you've ever been in all your life to deal with depression - it's an illness just like cancer and heart disease. (The fact that suicide is in the top 10 death statistics with cancer and heart disease says a lot.)  

We don't like to talk about depression, or PTSD, or suicidal thoughts.  It makes us seem weak and not worthy of the time and attention we give other diseases.   My work recently donated a quarter of a million dollars to a hospital that is expanding their mental health services - and yet - I was still scared out of my mind of the stigma and perception of me from my leadership and my peers.  I fear(ed) that they would not put their mouth where they put their money.  Frankly, until I got back to work, I still won't know.

And I have to believe that the good I've done in the past will matter - that my value is not in pretending to be alright - but it's in the people's lives I touch, the amazing work I love to do for our members and providers, and it's the foresight to know that taking care of me now will make a better me in the future.

I can't tell you today that I want to live 100%.  I would be lying.  I've done that long enough.

I can tell you what I want to be better - and that I'm trying everything I can with the support of a wonderful husband, friends, and family.   I have a posse of medical practitioners who see my potential and want to help me find the best Simone.

... and this was a raw and hard blog to write- but it's real.  And real is what I want.  If even one single person reads this and realizes they need help - and they can get it - then exposing my story was worth every vulnerability.

Much love - so very much love.

§ 

Tick-Tock

I have not the tongue of honey
My lips are bitter sweet
And of the feast of life I find
Each day a stunning treat

I have washed my soul in the stars at night
Kissed my skin with the morning dew
Listened as the wind played the trees to applause
And discovered a leaf in every hue

My feet know not the grace of swans
Still my bearing is planted and strong
And when my branches have fallen low
I hum the tune of a humbling song

Merely a girl, a woman, a soul
Finding paths meant for me and mine
I hear it now - I understand - it's close...
The "tick-tock" of time.

Year End Blog & Photos - Welcome 2019

For almost ten years now (has it been ten?) I find myself pondering the past year and blogging.  

The consistent life message is change.  Often, the many intentions I find myself planning for the new year have directed me from one road, to another, to another.

2018 –

• In you I found trips to new places - Denver, Fairy Lake, Denver Museum of Art, Museum of the Rockies, Wilsall, The Crazy Mountains, Bridger Mountains, Mammoth, Three Forks.
• Places I knew well - Richardson, Dallas, Abilene, Amarillo, Bozeman, Missoula.
• Montana welcomed my oldest brother, Jimi, in March and my oldest daughter, Meredith, in November
• Ever one for music, we saw Sawyer Brown, Shinedown, Saving Alexandria, Five Finger Deathpunch, Godsmack and others
• In June, I met some amazing work counter-parts from New Mexico - they each made my heart smile
• In August, I visited my family - saw my Uncle Johnny and Aunt Mollie - spent wonderful time with my nieces and nephews - my brothers and their significant others ... and I introduced them to a wonderful man

• In March, John and I crossed paths again after meeting in October 2017, touching base in January 2018 - and then in March, we opened up to the possibility that there might be someone in this world who is as corny, optimistic, goofy, loveable, screwed-up, hopeful, loving, patient - and ready to live life without fear
• In July, John asked me if I'd ever marry again - "one day - some day - who knows...," I said.
• Over the summer we learned to live together, love together and support each others' decisions, dreams and fears - we faced demons painted in the same color of determination
• October found John and I talking about marriage - should we?  How?  When?  We decided November 11th and to share it with everyone at Christmas.  Unpredictable, carefree, hopeful and ours - it was our first gift to each other as a couple and a day we felt unpressured and carefree - to begin our adventure as husband and wife.  One day, I'll write the story about that day... it still makes me smile.
• Thank you Jason O'Neal for some amazing photos: https://jasononeilphoto.passgallery.com/-SimoneJohn/gallery
• Near and on Christmas we shared our surprise to an outpouring love and acceptance

Blessed.  Blessed to marry a man who is 361 days older than I am, to find a partner to adventure with and who cherishes this thing we call life.  Blessed to work with amazing people who I consider family.  Blessed to have children who were taught to love and accept and cheer everyone on.  Blessed with new family who has proven caring and welcoming.  Blessed with friends and family who support and cherish their own paths - as well as ours.

I wish you a blessed and best year to come.

2019 - I am so looking forward to every single day.

Be blessed and loved.

SW

Different. When You Just Know...

I knew it was different...

...when he cared to look for me when geocaching took me away all day
...when just chatting on the couch he stopped mid-conversation to tell me how beautiful I am
...when he sat on the porch with me stemming cherries so we could make Christmas gifts
...when he learned what an aperitif was - and then explained it to the cashier
...when I thought to myself, "I hope in 20 years we're still stemming cherries..."
...when he went to Texas and played hungry hippo with my 3 year-old nephew, disc golf with my brothers and along when I twisted off into a tangent
...when he realized that meeting one of my best friends was a big deal
...when he said the best part of Texas was the people and the best conversation was with my uncle
...when he laughed with my kids while playing Uno and didn't think twice about spending time with them
...when he looks forward to cutting down a Christmas tree - and funny Christmas cards we can send to people
...when he listens to advice I received from a wise-sage at work who told me to stop trying to be like the 'norm' and go back to being me - and then he took me to get my nose repierced
...when he's brave enough to say he didn't like what I made for dinner - and I get excited because it was a boxed meal that I hated cooking for years but thought all men liked
...when his family - every single one of them - make me feel welcome
...when we make Lord of the Rings references - and get them
...when we both start speaking in bad British accents
...when he is debating whether to buy his favorite tea because I told him recently that all the plastic bottles we use really bothers me
...when we are completely inappropriate - and it's so funny we can't stop giggling
...when we are silent and happy in the same room
...when we are not even around each other - and respect that we need to be different and individuals in order to be happy

... and it's just different.  And I know it.  And I'm so very blessed because fate and the universe brought us together.

(And I'm just so happy.)

(And I had to share.)

Love to you all.

Even you.

- Simone

MST - 42 - Possible

This is my last Friday (30 minutes of Friday) as a 41 year-old.

By the time I publish this blog, likely Friday will have slipped away into Saturday - and I will have slipped into bed.

As a side note, my treadmill debacle yesterday has left me incredibly uncomfortable, but thoughtful - thus, I'm writing.

Late July to early August typically finds me retreating internally - my father passed away late July, my mother early August and they perfectly framed my birthday - (thanks parentals).  Although it's been 25 years since my mother passed and 22 years for my father, it wasn't until quite recently that I realized how closely I held those mourning cards close to my chest.  (A southern lady keeps her composure, a sister keeps her cool, a mother keeps her calm, a woman cares for many.... )

I digress.

42.  (I've been waiting for you.)  I've dreaded this age because I always felt guilty that I made it - and that my life would be happy and healthy during it.  42 is when my mother passed away.  Darn her, she has missed some amazing kids (all 4 of them are extraordinary) and some phenomenal grand-kids (8 of them).  My mother, a completely good/lost/loving soul - she would have gotten a kick outta' the likes of this group that found their own paths from the one she started.  My dad?  Geesh.  He waited until he was 49 to go to his next adventure .... and he - he would think I was bemoaning a topic best left alone when there was so much life yet to be lived.  He would be right.

(This blog branches off in so many directions - mourning, acceptance, patience... )

Really - right now - there is an opportunity to write about opportunity.

Like:

*Taking paddle-boarding to a new level - it makes my heart soar to share it
*42.  This year is going to be that resonating possibility - (and I love possibility)
*Lessons to lean on someone who is going to wield logic and love to protect my fragile/fierce heart
*Adventures - I am oh so ready for adventures!

Next week, on my birthday, I plan on rising early and driving to a lake I've never paddle-boarded to whisper to my 42 year old self, "pssst...  you are ready for the next possible great step"....

Truth be told... I am.

Whether I'm 42, 49, 78, or 106 - I make the decision that living in a shadow of the past is not my fortune told  ....

I'm given possibility every single day.

And glad for it.

Hey you - reader - may you take from your time here - on this writing - ... you are the best possibility.  And it's a lovely, beautiful prospect... to be possible.

Love, light and a lot of mischievous mettle.

(It's 12:03 ... and Saturday in Mountain Standard Time).

- Simone 

Investment of Time. Amazing Man.

I'm thinking this morning.

(Don't be too shocked - I think...)

Today I had to take the day off from work to take care of some matters - and as I was slowly getting ready for the day I was thinking about how people show their love and care.

I was married. (Either you're bowled over by my ability to state the obvious - or you smiled...)

I knew it was over before I came to Montana but September 2015 cemented the whole thing for me.  That September, my family and I made plans to get together at a house in Texas at a lake.  My uncle (who I had not seen in years), his wife (that I had not met), my brothers, nieces and nephews, cousin (and his beautiful wife and children) were all there.  My cousin brought his boat.

I had paid for my husband to fly to Texas so he could go to another city to be with his friends and then join my family afterwards.  He didn't join us.  He knew this was a very important thing for me -he knew that meeting my uncle and spending time with my brothers was really, really important - but he chose to stay in another town hours away and drink and spend time with his friends and family - and he didn't show up until everyone had left.

(As a side note, I left the lake house and went to that town and spent time with his friends and family after my family left.)

It struck me then on that drive to Abilene that September 2015 (I still remember the songs that played in the rental car) -  not only was I not in love with this man - but he was not in love with me.   

Fast forward folks - welcome to July of 2018.  John.  (I typed his name and I smiled.)

I told John a few weeks ago that I had to go to Texas for work, but would extend my trip and go see my brothers and my kids.  A couple of days later he said to me, "I'd like to go to Texas with you and meet your family."

Can I tell you - dear reader - what that means to me?  

This morning we were talking about the trip - and I was coordinating with my family on meal prep (uncle is coming, brothers will be there, nephews and nieces) - and it struck me that I am excited (more excited!) about this trip.  

I get to see my children, my brothers, uncle and aunt - and share it with a man who is not only interested in my family and my life - but wants to invest his time and life with my own.  

The most important investment in a relationship is not flowers and jewelry - it's not words ...

It's time.  It's investment in heart, future -and time.

And that is my morning pondering ... and I can't help but realize how very blessed I am.

Wishing you love - and time to find it - and time to appreciate it.

- Simone