Mustard, Onions and Siblings

I am the third of four children.

I have three brothers - and in the order of things, I'm number three of our four-pack.

You can only imagine the stories being the only girl in a pack of boys.  Minimal advantage - mostly, and often, I felt shorted.  These brothers of mine always got to go and do the coolest things with the best people.

One Christmas, I remember our grandparents came in from New Mexico to Midland, Texas and they had decked out our tree with ones and fives and various green backs.  The four of us walked in wowed... and then it was pointed out to me that the green hanging from the tree was only for the boys... I had the wrapped gift in the corner.

It was a silver vanity set.  I felt robbed. (Though, older now, I still have pieces of this set... so, really, who was robbed...)

Oh sure, there are the stereotypes among us.

We have the oldest - who was punished or responsible for the actions of the rest of us.  The second sibling, who our grandmother favored because she was convinced he was somehow slighted for the spacing of his birth.  The third child, the only girl - and then the baby, another boy - the runt.

We made quite a tribe.

The first three, well, we each have fire-cracker tempers - likely, the youngest of us has the same - but I've always viewed our youngest brother differently.

Lots of stories involved in and out of these ribbons of information - loss, pain and more - there are pieces that are meant for later recount... but as I was working in the kitchen tonight - I was drawn to a story involving my youngest sibling...

All four of us ended up in a children's home - I was separated from my brothers - something that left me a bit screwy... and somewhere in the on and off of the family who were close enough to be involved - my little brother and I ended up living together again with our mother...

There are many stories here - many other stories that trail elsewhere ... but it wasn't until a recent visit from this brother that I found myself aware of recalled truths...

...  It was less than a year ago - maybe the spring of 2014 - that he and his family visited my home in Texas after a long (too long) hiatus on his part...

His oldest son made a comment about not having some type of technology device and my little brother looked at him and said, "Oh, really - you're worried about a phone?  How about this?  How about you go hungry and live on Bisquick, onions and mustard for awhile?  How about you worry about stuff like that?"

I sat there - in my home, chilled and awed - and I simply asked, "You remember that?"

...

Ever see then movie Sling Blade?

Billy Bob Thornton - odd movie - but I'll tell you that when he showed a penchant for mustard, onion and biscuit sandwiches - that made the hairs on my neck stand up - it was a weird memory that wasn't painful - merely wanting.

There was a period of time where my youngest brother and I went hungry.  We were way too young and living with our mother.  I often reflect that I became a resourceful cook because I experienced this time period - but for a very long period of time... all we had was mustard, onions, and Bisquick in abundance.

We could possibly win a contest for creative cooking of these three items.

Over the years I have wondered if I exaggerated this time period, Lord knows I have a crazy imagination and memory - and I thought maybe I had made this food memory bigger than it was...

Until, John, my little brother, made it real again.

There were a few months where we didn't have milk so miracle whip and water were mixed for boxed mac and cheese.  This might be why I dislike miracle whip...

But when John said aloud what I held as a silent truth I felt the air thicken and lessen.

This is not who we are.  This is not our mark or manner - but in a very real way - our humanity is made more fragile and aware of what is around us... so...

.. so...

...

What do I draw from this?

Well, first off - I became much closer to John's children - and I was aware that he and I experienced life paths that no one else knew of...

I am fiercely proud of my baby brother, his wife and his two children.  Fiercely.

Also, I realize that we can all be greater than any past that attempts to define us.  We can get knocked up at 14, run into all kinds of difficulty, only eat Mexican food (Kelly) and still turn out - on the other side - good, well, and functioning people.

...

I still love onions and mustard.

And I am completely proud of these paths that four children took - four children who became amazing adults, parents, and friends.

We kinda' rock.

...

Much love - after another story....

- Simone

Why Post?

After my last post, I had a friend who has known me for quite some time ask me, "Why are you sharing this online so publicly?"

Writing is a salve for me.  Sharing is a reminder that we are intertwined.

Frankly, we all spend a lot of time trying to take the best photo, or compose the right line, or do the right thing for some appearance or another.

To be a Paulie-Anna storey of myself is to, in some way, wrong myself of every hard part, every trial, and every large truth that taught me a big lesson.

The best part - and this is what I have learned - we all have more in common than our bylines or random public descriptions.

We have been through hell.  Back again.  Bought the t-shirt.

And we made it.  We're still going.  Still wandering.  Still being true.

Bless you and your path - past and present.  May it strengthen you to know that there are so many options of hope and wonder.

- Simone

2015 Challenge. Shame in Truth. Homelessness.

It is no secret that I was very young when I became pregnant.  (14 for those who didn't know...)

To preface the next part of this story let me remind everyone that with hard work, much prayer, and the love of her great-grandparents, grandparents, teachers, friends, and family - the little girl born in 1992 has turned into an amazing woman in college figuring her own world out.

Blessed. But for this story - I digress.

I moved to Midland, Texas with my mother when I was pregnant.  This was with assistance from my grandparents - her parents. (who are quite possibly the closest souls to saints I've ever known...)

There is a lot to this part of the story - one day I'll write it all - but in that time frame - from the move to Midland, to the birth of my beautiful daughter there were many lows ... one being this: for almost 3 weeks - my mom and I lived in her car.

We were homeless.

A few people know this - it's not a banner I wave, nor a feeling I care to ponder for long periods of time, but truth be told, living in a car humbled me and I am thankful for the humility and foresight this time gave me. This sad experience was quite possibly the point in my life where I realized that I held a greater part in my own destiny.  I could be one who acts - or I could react to the life handed to me by others.  Acting and making my own choice(s) in life seemed rather preferable.

We survived those few weeks on leftovers from my mother's hostess job at Western Sizzlin, kindness from friends who knew her from there, and from my PDAP group in Midland, Texas.  PDAP also had a large hand in saving me - but again, that's another writing.

All of this disclosure and public writing is more to bring light to my experience and opinion of those homeless who you see and then pass by with a side glance  -  don't look too close.  It might become too personal.

It's personal.  For many.

Without a doubt, there are many able people who take advantage of others.  I know this.  (I do.)

What I will tell you, from personal experience, is this:  there is a larger group of people who feel utter pain asking you for money, help, or assistance.  Those who sleep in cold, wet places at no cause of their own - just a bad flip of the coin.

There are few things that make me more angry than the indifference to those who suffer and are in need... don't let the haves tell you that the have nots are less than - they are not.  Don't become blind to compassion and the works of every ascended Master before this time - Christ included.  Christ didn't walk beautiful ballrooms, with assistance to raise money, looking in a sterile way to help those in need.

Poverty is dirty.  Homelessness is dirty.  It is not pretty.  It's not a simple check signed, an auction item won - it's heartbreaking.

For 2015 I challenge you.  Anyone who happens upon this writing: take stock in what is real - lives are real.  There are souls who can be lifted by close touch and realization of value of their humanity and life.

Be aware.  Be real.

Blessings.  Always.

- Simone

Thoughts on Happiness

I am happy.

Okay, those who know me know that I tend to find myself with a happy disposition.  I come from the school of "fake it til' you make it" and it's just easier to be happy - who does it hurt?

Wait.  Hang out with me for a minute.  Who does it hurt?

Tonight I found myself in a conversation with my husband about our move to Montana.

Our move was a huge decision and it was a fast one - "hey, I think I'm going to apply for a job in Montana..."  "okay" - That's the sum and total of our consideration.   If we weren't meant to be in Montana, it would not have happened.

We miss you - everyone.  We miss our best and closest friends.  We miss our adult children.  We miss our other dogs. JT misses Taco Bueno.  I miss a good Texas steak.    I really miss the people I worked with in Texas.  We both miss the sense of humor of the South - ... uhm... it's different up here...

But - (ready?)  We are happy.  Montana is not perfect, but right now, it's perfect for us.

If you have been involved in our lives, you know the past three years have been hell.  Stresses that no marriage, family, or parent should have to experience.  Distancing ourselves from the chaos has allowed us perspective.

The scenery here blows our minds.  It's just - wow - amazing.  We can't wait for you to visit and see it for yourself.

Be excited for us - be who we have tried to be for you - celebrate our happiness.  Please.  If you have/had the opportunity to experience a new adventure - we'll celebrate you.

Texas is our base.  Imagine what strong roots we have - but growth is never bad.  It's hard - it's not popular - but celebrate our willingness to explore and our excitement in sharing it with you.

There are those who are near and dearest to our hearts - distance doesn't change that.  And, for us, it never will.

I wish you happiness.  Happiness that blooms, and grows, and reaches, and dreams.

Wishing you great joy.

- Simone

Enough. Memories & Snow.

It's snowing.

It's snowing, again, in Helena, Montana.  Though this is my fourth or fifth snow since I've lived here, I can't help but stare out the window this Saturday morning and watch it fall.

Fall, accumulate, fall some more.

It's great to watch the snow fall; first, as little specs of frozen water, and  - soon -  these large flakes start falling.  It's still magical to me - in my 38th year of continued wonder - snow is still magical.

It dawned on me, as I sat by the window, that I did the very same thing - watched the snow fall - 18 years, ten months, and twenty-nine days ago.  I also watched the two loves of my life play in the snow, build a snowman, and have a snowball fight.

Memory is a funny thing.  I've mentioned this before, and consider it true, that our memories are a kaleidoscope of broken remembered, recalled, and real.  Sometimes we color recollection with undue bitterness - other times imaginary happiness -  but this morning's memory was an equal balance, a moment when I was just simply content.

I'll come back to that word in a bit - content.

January 1, 1996 - it snowed in Abilene, Texas.  I was close to seven months pregnant, sitting on the couch in the living room, watching my husband and daughter playing in the unexpected New Year's Day snow.  Hearing both of their laughter, her squeels of joy, his patient teaching - I held my hand on my tummy and let the moment consume me.   Meeting and knowing that now - without entry of future or past... I was truly content.

It has taken me a long time to learn that contentment is truly of the Divine.  We are often a society of more, of want, of continued desire.  Contentment is enough.  It's the cup just warm, a soup just seasoned, a touch just right.

Enough is living in the now.   No expectations - only the recognition of enough.

I found myself smiling this morning - wrapped in my memory and thankful for that opportunity.

Life has changed.  My goodness - a son born and grown, a daughter realizing her own wonder and life - letting go of a first love - to allow for the opportunity of the right love.

I am - today - amazingly content.  The snow is still falling, my coffee is wonderful - this now is just enough.

Much love -

Simone

Learning to Live in a Zero World

Tomorrow morning I will walk to work, just like I have since I moved to Montana.  Yet, tomorrow morning it will be zero degrees.  Zero.

This made me reflect on a few things that this Texas Transplant has learned living in this arctic paradise I now call home.

The closet by the front door is truly meant for coats, boots, and drawers filled with gloves, mittens, tuques, hats, and ear muffs.

Down vests did not go out of style with Marty McFly.  They are alive and well in Big Sky Country.  In fact, they're down-right toasty.

Radiators.  I questioned them, fiddled with the knobs, ... they are amazing.  Heats the house and warms mittens, tuques, and socks.

Warm socks are heavenly.

Really, really heavenly.

Boots - Good boots - are not alway the prettiest - but man, oh, man - no water, snow, or puddle will breach these babies.

And you can actually take out the felt liners to wash.

Wonderful.

Say it with me...

"YakTraks."

You read that right.  YakTraks.

All of you wonderful people fearful of a broken leg, ankle, arm, ... or any other part of my body (Diane, Athena, Kim, Bob... everyone...) ... These amazing things strap on to the bottom of my shoes - and ... well, I don't fall.

Where have these been all my life?

Homemade soups and stews have never tasted so good.

In fact, chicken and dumplings are officially my new favorite.

Texts from people I love!  

Especially texts keeping me plugged in to my local weather...

... and your local weather.

(Rebbeca is Rebecca - I'm just too tickled with it this way to change it...)

My daily glance of your weather.

And my weather.

But mostly what I've learned living in this frozen wonderland is this...

I am living my brand new adventure - it's beautiful and it makes me smile so often because I am joy-filled.  In awe of this windswept snow magic, the mountains, the people - so much to learn, to see, to do.  Best give it my honest effort and embrace it fully.

I miss you.  All of you.

Love - lots of it.

(Returning to my book and hot cider)

- Simone

A Little Grass - A Big Problem

The Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Taylor Coleridge - you might not know the name of the author, but likely you've heard this line, "Water, water every where, nor any drop to drink..."

Growing up in West Texas, I appreciated early on the importance of rain.  Now living in Montana, having streams, lakes, rivers and rain in what seems to be abundance, I appreciate more and more the value of water.

This got me to thinking - about a conversation with my friend Rebecca.  Simply - it's a pet-peeve of mine that borders on being judgmental.  I apologize in advance for the tone this writing will take.

Lawns.  Lawns bother me.  A lot.

Let's start with some history from the National Wildlife Federation:

"The history of the lawn in America has its roots, so to speak, in the English country estate, where lawns provided sweeping vistas enjoyed by the aristocracy and were mowed and fertilized by flocks of sheep. Beginning in the 19th century, however, suburban Americans took to lawns like fish to water—and both fish and water have been adversely impacted ever since."

Let me give you some statistics to mull over:

• The average homeowner will spend 50 to 100 hours a year maintaining their lawn (but only 35 hours a year having sex!)
• 10 times more herbicides per acre are dumped on lawns than on fields of agribusiness
• Per acre, it costs more to maintain a lawn than it does to grow corn, rice, or sugarcane. More than 40 billion dollars (!!!) are spent on lawns in North America - more than we spend on text books for school classrooms.
• 7,500 Americans are injured every year using lawn mowers, about the same number as firearms.  Most of those accidents involve children.  More than 30% of these injuries resulted in an amputation of some sort - limbs and digits gone in the pursuit of green!
• 50-70 percent of residential water is used for landscaping - most to water lawns - which total approximately 20-30 million acres in the United States.
• A gas powered lawnmower emits 11 times the air pollution of a new car.

Any minimal amount of research shows how lawns (and our continued pursuit of a perfect lawn) is damaging our rivers, lakes, streams - and equally damaging needed birds, bees, and other local wildlife.

But we continue to do this - we continue to pay and toil away at unnatural grasses in areas that were never meant to support such water consuming ground cover.

Gardens.  What happened to gardens?  Vegetation that proved magical in growth and amazing in their ability to support our physical needs - gardens were instrumental in teaching children and provided families with a most cost effective means of nutrition.  

Maybe one day, we'll stop trying to match the Jones' and get back to the land as it was meant to be - unmanicured in most instances - and real.  Local grasses, wild flowers, a utopia for the local wildlife and insects that carried our lands through hundreds of years.  

Quite possibly, people who are consumed with "healthy living" will realize that it's not just your body or your food that you need to consider while in this pursuit of "health"... it's also the world you're creating.  Consider xeriscaping, maybe box gardens - enjoy the outdoors as it wants (and was meant) to be.

And that - my dear ones - is my rant on lawns.  

Good day and much love.

- Simone

(P.S. - Might I recommend: http://www.sunset.com/garden/earth-friendly/lose-the-lawn-low-water-landscaping ... or... http://www.wildflowers-and-weeds.com/ ...)