Hit The Road. Heart on My Sleeve. Mosaic Heart.

I totally love Lizzie West.

L.O.V.E.

Listening to her songs this morning - I realized I'm feeling very close to a song she sang on the album Holy Road.

I have sucked at relationships.  Oh - that's such an understatement.  It's not always me - it's not always them - I think I'm not very good at picking "them."  I think at first I was too young, then too scared, then too prideful - now I'm just ... *sigh* 

Cautious.  Bruised.  ...

And I sometimes feel that if I get close to someone - so much so that I start to care too much - it's time for me to hit the road.  I can't invest that much anymore - because I can't hurt that bad again. 

...

And yet - and yet - and yet -

I love freely.  I can't help it.  It's how I'm made.  I love with wild abandon - it's what gives me joy.  One of the best books I read was a collection of insight and advice from older women or survivors of cancer.  They each conveyed - in one way or another - that the one thing they regretted was holding back their love for fear of rejection or being hurt again. 

...

I just thought of something... mosaics are an ancient and beautiful artform.  The more pieces - the more detail - the more breathtaking.

Maybe that's how broken hearts should be considered over time.

(Oh, Simone - I like that.)

...

May your heart know love.  Be fearless you beautiful souls.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Byu4_ezWiBs

Woke up that morning, slept hand in hand
Figured last night was a warning, that it was time to end
This great love affair
But I will miss you, and darling, I swear - I still love you
And all that we shared
But when you find you are so very confused
And you've got nothing but the world to prove
And you would rather say "I love" more than "I lose" him
It's time to hit the road again
Darling, I still love you - and honey, I swear
That I will always love you and all that we shared
But when you find you are so very confused
And you've got nothing but the world to prove
And you would rather say "I love" more than "I lose" him
It's time to hit the road again.
...
I woke up this morning, so far from your home
Knew I heeded a warning, so fast and so bold
But when you find you are so very confused
And you've got nothing but the world to prove
And you would rather say "I love" more than "I lose" him
It's time to hit the road again
Darling, I still love you - and honey, I swear
I still love you and all that we shared
But when you find you are so very confused
And you've got nothing but the world to prove
And you would rather say "I love" more than "I lose" him
Well then, it's time to hit the road all over again.

Plant Your Feet. Just Keep Going. Mighty Blessed.

The day started out simple enough.

Didn't realize it was going to be one of those days where I build a memory that I'll reflect back on - once again - hello growth.

A quick morning of caching - meeting Jake to get a gifted trout fillet - a quick peek at a local disc golf course - stop by a local shop to purchase a few discs.

Then I decided to run to Echo Lane Trailhead and geocache a bit more.   The bike trails there are amazing and I was tickled to see so many people out.  My third cache in, I looked up at what I'm calling Echo Peak and the following happened:

"I wonder if I could get to the top of that?"
"Do you want to?"
"Yes."
"Then you can."

Just like that - my internal conversation settled the matter.  So I surveyed the scene and realized the south climb would be easiest - so I followed a bike trail until I realized that none of the bike trails were going as high as I wanted.

"What are you going to do?"
Surveyed the side of the hill - "Go up."

And so I got off the paths and started my climb.  Up.

"Hey - this is really rocky and there are no trails.  You sure about this?"
... "Yup - get to the top."

I found myself reflecting upon a relationship from a year past - he was a mountain climber and quite the adventurer.  He talked me into trying paddleboarding for the first time, hiking the back trails of Yellowstone, and talked me through climbing a couple of situations and I could hear him today saying, "Plant your foot.  Use your legs."  So that's what I did, I planted my foot, used my legs and kept climbing.

"You don't know where you're going."
"True.  That means I just need to keep going."
"What if you fall?"
"You're not going to fall.  You're going to plant your foot and then do it again.  What do you want to do?
"Get to the top."
"Well, get to the top."

I got to the first "ridge" area of the climb and looked down across the valleys and trails, "You know, this is pretty high - the rest of the climb looks a lot more steep and more rocky."
"Is it the top?"
"Nope."
"Wanna?"
"Yep."

Each path I surveyed before I decide upon the next steps for up.  Lots of internal conversation - like, "Why didn't you bring your walking stick?"  "Hey, at least you grabbed your backpack and water."

A few times I had to backtrack for an area where I felt that I would be a little more sure-footed.  Closer and closer I was getting to the top and I was getting excited about it.  Looked up and there was a hawk hanging around.  "Hey, Hawk, I'm coming your way."

Very close to the top, I stopped because I realized I had not put sunscreen on.  As I recently told Athena, my many days outside last Summer has permanently changed my perfectly white milky skin a different color.  "I used to be the color of cream."  She responded, "Well, now you're more of a creme' brulee."  I still chuckle at that.

So I parked under some shade, pulled out my water, some nuts and dried fruit - listened to the birds  - sat in the lotus position and took deep breaths.  Then covered bits of me with sunscreen.  I looked down at my pack and chuckled at its contents - I took a picture to share below.  Now before you knock the Evian spray - that stuff is awesome.  If you're hot, it'll cool you down.  If your face feels dry - it's so great.  I was looking down at my stuff thinking how blessed I was to have people who have taught me to be prepared.  I was just feeling really, really blessed.

And I started up the rest of the way - to get as close to the top as I could.

And I did.  And it was awesome.

Now here's the funny part - and the part that made me realize what I did today was such a reflection of my entire life.

The climb down.  Lord knows I can't just go back the way I got there - I needed to go down the front.

"This is really, really, really steep.  And dumb."
"No - it's steep - but go slow."
"You don't know where you're going."
"True, but I know I'm going West and down and this is West and down."
"If you fall ..."
"Not gonna fall."

Plant your foot.  Look around - be fearless.

There was a point in the down-trek that reminded me of the rock in Lion King.  Not gonna lie - I totally started singing "THE CIRCLE OF LIFE" - really loud.  Like - REALLY loud.  And then got so tickled at myself I was bent over laughing.

"Simone - this is not that funny."
"Oh, yes it is!"

Here's the deal.  I did not know where I was going - I did not know if I was going the right way - I didn't know how in the world I was going to get down.  I did know I was going.  I was going up.  I was going to go back down.  The path wasn't as important as knowing that it was going to happen and knowing it was going to be okay.

That's been the best part of my life - from childhood, motherhood, wife, employee, sister, friend - I am not good at taking the path I'm supposed to take.  I just know it's always going to be okay - and if I allow myself to pause in this life - I get to really enjoy and reflect upon the blessings of living.

It's amazing.

My wish for you is you do things out of your comfort zone.  Go up.  Talk yourself into things that seem careless - and do it.  Live.

 You ask yourself - can I get to the top of that?

It's Up.  Just plant your feet.

Not quite to the top - but looking West.

This is what's on the other side.

Keeping me company.

This was the top.

Athena - Kim - this was my chosen path of descent.

"The CIRCLE OF LIFE!...."

42 - Moving Forward

I'm often ridiculous about the next phase of me...

Forging ahead to 42.

42 is this oxymoron of achievement and failure.  It's my challenging point - which is why I scheduled adventure before and after it - camping and paddleboarding all over north-west Montana.

42 frightens me.

Nicki Dianne Hale Hite Simpson was before me - her last year was 42.  I want to honor her.  Cherish her effort and honor it.  (I'll be 42 this year, Mom.  Are you amazed?  I am.)  I'm bitter and forgiving ... I'm fierce and mighty.

I watched a movie about Jackie Robinson recently.  Do you know what his number was?

42.  He was fierce and incredibly forgiving.  (I love this.)  Mr. Robinson was so great, his number is one of the few retired in baseball. 

42.  He made it brave.

I wasn't going to give any number a weight that would affect my forward motion.  Ever.  (This folks is called fear. I'm guilty of shielding and hiding it - but this is fear at its best.)  I've dreaded this birthday  more than any other.  I saw it a cruel and cynical number that I battled much longer than its foundation.  Not wanting to repeat the past - not wanting to even allow it power - 42 and I have faced off for years - since my teens.

I have 4 full months before 42 comes to fruition.   I'm tired of fearing and dreading it - I am not my past - and I am not those who came before me.  I am not required to carry the burden of 42 anymore.

I am Simone.

This me - this Simone - who finds herself close to 42. I'm ready to embrace it.  I'm going to make 42 amazing.  (I'm going to make 84 even more phenomenal.)

I've not shared this fear to many people - oddly, my daughter guessed it during a recent conversation.  She seemed to understand that her mom was wrapped in a ghost that shouldn't be my weight to carry - yet - it hasn't left me. 

I will not give my children a number as a weight for their years to come.

41 - let's keep this up - because 42 needs a beautiful introduction to the best that is yet to come.

Love to you - all of you.  (because you know I mean that from every bit of light I have...)

Holy Road - Stones - Cassidy A Maze

My travels have me selecting the best keepsakes - I find a stone - a pebble ...
It's not a postcard or mass-market trinket
It's a weathered bit of mineral and time
There are the stones from the Baltic Sea where I danced wildly, with hands aflutter
The white quartz stone from Dailey Lake where that first kiss happened
A heart shaped stone found at my first waterfall - at my first visit to Glacier Park
A sliver of cement history, fear and forgiveness, from the Berlin Wall
Three graduated rounded stones from my adventures at Duck Creek Pass
Amethyst from my favorite shop in Texas, Cassy's, and today it balances a beautifully crafted jade orb
Hand painted stones from a South Korean woman at the local Helena farmer's market - she told me my strong dragon personality would find it's right pairing soon
...
I collect the stones and moss that cross my path and seem to recognize me.
...

Which makes me reflect upon a beautiful song by Lizzie West (Cassidy A. Maze)...

(click the link to play this amazing song)

Holy Road - by Lizzie West - Cassidy A. Maze 

I found I could go no more 
My basket empty 
And before me a thousand colored doors 
So I sat down to plead with a force beyond my reach 
Hey lord can you hear me? 
I been calling your name 
Tell me lord do you fear me? 
My nature remains 
'cuz I am human anyway 

You help me please if I may say 
'cuz I know the stable built by the hands of man 
And I know a small-town boy 
Wants to star in a rock and roll band 
And I know a 10 cent tip on a 22 dollar check. 

And for these few things I know 
These are things that I have been told 
And I still don't  know the walk of a holy road. 
I still don't know the walk of a holy road. 
Hey lord can you hear me? 
I've been begging your name 
Tell me lord, please speak clearly now 
Do I live in vain? 
For I am human anyway 
You help me please, if I may say 
Oh mother, may I? 
And father, may I? 
Tell me teacher, may I? 
You proud preacher, may I? 

Cuz I want to know the walk of a holy road 
I want to know the walk of a holy road ...

Well I know the time for a seed to take 
And I know how high the water rises, 
just before it breaks 
and I know the want of a touch 
from a lover who can't give enough 

and for these few things I know, 
these are the things that I was never told 
and then I wonder - are these the walk of a holy road? 
Are they the lines of trees? 
Are they the hedges, see? 
Are these the signs of a very holy road? 

Hey lord you can hear me, well I spoke your name - 
and lord it comes clear to me now 
I live not in vain 
for though I am human I can pray 
and as I pray I will celebrate 

'cuz I know the soothe of a song when the trap has got me lame 
and I know the chorus of crickets singing out their nightly praise 
and I know the sound of a swelling storm just before it rains. 

These are the stones of a holy road 
and I pick them up and I gather them as I go 
(These are the stones) 
These are the stones of a holy road 
and I pick them up and I gather them as I go 
These are the stones of a holy road 
and I pick them up and I gather them as I go

Dear You. Whoever You Are.

I'm curious.

About your past.

Your regrets and your passions.

What is that one moment you wish you could re-do?  What is the moment you're most proud of?

What is your language in a relationship - receiving/giving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion), or physical touch - is it a combination of a few?

Are you old school?  More progressive in your way of thinking?

What's the most thoughtful thing someone could do for you?

How do you handle stress?

Do you yell? 

Do you realize the importance of a kiss?  And that all things in life are sensual and incredibly amazing?

If you're angry/injured by your partner - how do you express it?

Do you think it's possible for a woman to be progressive in her approach to life but still embrace "old school" traditions as a feminine partner?

Define femininity.

Can a woman not be a perfect 10 physically but a 12.5 in every other part of their life?

What stills your soul?

What inspires you to be your best?  What makes you your worst?

What quote explains your person - your soul - your life?

What do you want?  I've been trying to figure that out. 

Is there a rhyme or reason to contact you?  Is there a right time to reach out?  When is it too much?

This is exhausting.  And beautiful.  And possible.

Best Self. Politics. Family. Forward Motion.

My adventures seem to bring me to the best places...

... and sometimes it finds me in spots where I would never consider myself.

Early Saturday,  I was having lunch in one of my favorite spots, and a man found his way in my path.  I was attentive and conversational.

He has an MBA from California - years of travel that included South America, Australia and Europe - his stories were quite posh.  Nervous with me (why are people nervous with me) he was explaining his political view ... which I initially agreed with.

Then I ducked and dodged... 

We were commiserating about the current Administration. (I detest discussing politics.) He pointed out the dismal placement of our country and I attempted to address how 'blue-collar' folks are our foundation.  These men (and women) were the kings of industry. In fact, I believe, this country was founded upon a population who are tradesmen and architects without pedigree.  (Degree.)

He disagreed and pointed out that 'higher' education would 'fix' folks who were lacking in social/political knowledge.

My ears turned red.  I pursed my lips. 

This is why we find ourselves in this odd political arena. 

It's painful.  The more he voiced his ire and discontent -  the more I felt the need to mother-hawk his wrong thinking.  In fact, I brought up my youngest sibling (who I am crazy protective of) and his views that vastly differ from my own.  

I do not agree with my sibling's views.  He and I have this gladiator view of politics.  But mostly - he's my little brother and I will defend family long before politics (which I explained to this pompous individual). 

I am not blue collar. Or gold. Or entitled.  In fact, I don't have the pedigree for such thinking.  I'm a mutt.

Mostly - and in my mind, rightly - my path shows me that kindness paves beautiful opportunity.  Diversity has nothing to do with skin color.  It spans education and background.  Diversity is our differences recognized and celebrated.

And, damn it, ... there's an entire world founded upon hard labor and real work.

May we find ourselves back to this.

And - don't ever call out something that touches upon my family - I don't care who you are - I'll cut you down.

In my most lovely way... whatever that is...

§

A Response To A Beautiful Soul In Texas...

First.  I have never felt that you were seeking accolades or attention.  We live in a society
where women feel embarrassed to sing their own praise.  Forget the email -
forget letting people know your success (but don’t forget that - please -
it’s an important part of living and life) - mostly I was so excited to know someone
else is moving past the beginning margins and doing more. 

Do you do more for you?  The company?  The staff there?  Only you can answer that...

I’ll give you some personal insight as to why I do what I do …

When I started at HCSC my friends told me it would never last.  I am not corporate material and
they were right - I’m not corporate material.  Bucking the system, wrangling the norm -
the path before me was not certain.  In the beginning, on the phones I thought, “I can do this no more…,”
then a path was cleared and I was working written inquiries and I believed, “I can do this no more…,”
next… appeals…. next… Montana...

My path is not ordinary.  I decided to leave my position in Texas and go to an area that was
uncomfortable from the beginning.  Then I realized I was equipped early on in my training with the
company - and with my desire to do right and well for our members.

From Customer Service to managing the pricing and future modeling (pricing) for an entire state -
how could that happen?  Well - simply - opportunity.  Scared out of my mind.  I had an army of women
that came before me who inspired me (and more than a few men as well).  Dee Moore lit a fire in my
scope of possibility.  She was 19 when she started.  She became the VP of FEP.  Wow.  A
colored woman who began 46+ years before I dipped my toe in Corporate America.  Inspired? 
She took my breath away.  She overcame a mountain of racial bias, male/female bias, cultural
can/cannot do - and she did.  She is/was mighty.  

I was 14 when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter - lived in a car for a month while I was
pregnant and married her father when I was 15.  My life before and after her birth has been challenging
- but teaching.  From a background of “you will fail” - I decided I would succeed.  My success is not
my brain - though that’s not a bad attribute - but my real success is my desire for everyone around
me to succeed far beyond my own measure.  Now I find myself in HCSC boardrooms and my first
thought is never about me.  It’s about ‘us.’

Us is our company.  Us is my staff.  Us is our members.  Us is our providers.  I have a kaleidoscope
of people I think about at my every single turn and choice.  Often people ask me, “what’s your goal?” 
… Really?  

The end game for me is to finally achieve a position where I can assist Customer Service … they need
to be recognized in ways that they are not currently seen.  Their job in the most difficult in our
company. (Consider this - I currently evaluate budgets beyond the pale - but I realize the hardest job
is occupied by the beautiful souls that speak to our providers and members.  Theirs is a holy position.)

Please do not ever second guess your announcements of ‘well-doing’ - I wish more women
would celebrate their successes.  Not because they are any more amazing - but success in this world
of ours is amazing.  It’s okay to be happy and to celebrate - even to crow upon high (which you did not
- but it’s okay if you do in the future).

Thank you for reaching out to me and thank you for your kind words.  We do - and can do -
amazing work.  I believe this every single day.

Be safe. Happy. Fruitful. 

- Simone