I never know what I want to write about. What I do know is I write - and it may be random, and it may not be. Simply Sunshine With Occasional Showers just describes each of us every single day.
A recent art venture has me pondering my past and present...
The local art space had me planted with two lovely women who were venturing into a communal art experience where we were learning from each other and from instruction.
One woman asked, "And Simone, your parents, your family...?" ... enter open ended high-note question...
"They're dead. My parents, grandparents - everyone but my brothers..."
Initially startled, people try to settle into my statement with a follow-up question, "So your children...?"
"My daughter will soon be 26. My son, 22."
"Wow - you look so young."
... Sweet words - ever spoken so true...
"Indeed. I was. I was 15 when I had my daughter and 15 when I married."
I wish I could record the expressions of the many people who I have said this to... and then I remember days - ... years ago...
Never copping to my real life when I was younger - real: living in a children's home; less than functional parents; a father who had a genetic disease that would haunt all of us for the rest of our lives; a mother, whose very disposition, would haunt us for the rest of her life...
Nope - I didn't own any of it - I imagined stories of New York, family disputes and more... jeez, louise... I never wanted to claim my reality... and yet - today - in the now, the real - when I speak it - it is completely unreal.
Attempting to dissect the real that I never dreamed at the age I was trying to deflect and told so many tall tales: I have flown in private planes, experienced the 'high-roller' experience in Vegas, actually cut a check for $37 million dollars, seen opulence that proved to me that excess was so inordinate to real life, seen Europe, tasted the beauty of loss and excellence, understood that all that is shiny is nothing more than cured light...
These incredibly highs and lows in life have made me bitter and the most delicious bitter-sweet.
Ask me if I would prefer to be balanced on the edge of unreal grandeur - or found in a corner of forest and fauna. (Ask - please - because it took me quite some time to be real with others and with myself - I choose forest - and real - and hard - and brilliant - and faithful. Ask.)
Recently, a beautiful soul expressed, "you say such raw things" in your writings...
Likely my penance - I'm writing to my core.
I'm no longer trying to stake my existence - or validate...
I'm reading "Survival Lessons" by Alice Hoffman - it's short - to the point and found me nodding, pondering, smiling and tearing up at different points in the book.
A few things resonated within me:
...
"It is difficult to measure a personal tragedy. How much bad fortune does it take to destroy a person? How much strength must someone possess in order to survive against the odds?"
"The older women all agreed upon the answer: They wished they had traveled the world. But more importantly, they wished they’d fallen in love more often. Don’t hold back! they told us. Live right now!"
"If you try and fail at some new endeavor, what difference does it make? None at all, unless you are jumping out of a plane. But when it comes to most skills, failure is the only way to become better at something. Knitting teaches you that. You may have to unwind all of your stitches and start anew. That doesn’t mean you’ve wasted your time. You learn from every stitch, even those that don’t amount to anything."
...
Typically I write an end of the year blog, and I was reflecting earlier this week what I would write about - new adventures, new people, old and new heartache, regrets and wonderings - plans for the future.
In two days I head out on a mini-walk-about to spend the holiday with my friend Kim, her husband Nic and her youngest daughter Brodie. I. am. so. excited.
It's seeing my friend - who I miss so much - and spending my favorite holiday with her. It's going to new places - adventuring and holding my arms out wide for new experiences. It's, sometimes, being scared out of my mind that I don't know what tomorrow brings but - I'll be damned - it's bringing it.
I feel that opportunity for growth whispering in my ear again... not quite sure what it's saying yet ... but it's there - it's whispering - and I'm listening.
May you fail (not jumping out of a plane), may you succeed (and relish and roll in it), may your heart be lifted when it's heavy (swing low, sweet chariot) and may your lips rise to a smile and grin for no reason but the now. Live in it.
I also do not purposely invest my time in proving to any person that my point of view or perspective is correct. Here's the beauty of life - the right and real things are not your or my opinion.
Hell. I'm neither political or correct.
Today I was at a store and the man at the counter ( who is used to me visiting the store) said, "Do people give you a hard time about your jeep now that we're all so politically correct?"
Grinning sideways, I responded, "I think some people think about it - then I hop out of the jeep and they don't say one word. Go figure!" I told him I'm considering putting a rebel flag on top of the hardtop once it's installed. (I already have the horn.)
If my jeep insults you - you have so many problems that I can't even solve with discussion. I would actually classify you as silly - and straight-forward say to you, "Bless your heart, darlin'."
My jeep is not my statement to the world. It says nothing about me except I liked the Dukes of Hazzard growing up, I love driving a standard, and I like a vehicle I can tear up on the backroads of Montana. It says I'm slightly impractical - but I've lived a practical life almost all of my life - give a little here. It says that I love the color orange - and that Bo was a secret crush of mine. It says that I don't give a flying flip about comfort or having the newest of new - because in my Simone world - that doesn't matter.
It doesn't tell you that I believe in the right of choice - or that I boldly support my LGBTQ friends and family. It doesn't tell you that I believe that guns are the right of the people and I carry - and I have a right to carry - and I like guns. It doesn't tell you that I care for people to the highest mountain and will step in front of a bus for a stranger - and I'll protect you with my very being if I thought you were in danger. My jeep doesn't tell you that I pay for the coffee of the person behind me or for the groceries of the person not paying attention in the line. It doesn't tell you that I was right and real ticked off that a fountain that was put in place in the early 1900s by the Daughters of the Confederacy was removed from a park near my home because someone was suddenly insulted by it. (Bless your heart.)
Folks, I recommend reading a once well-known writing by George Orwell. The title is Nineteen Eighty-Four.
In my not so politically correct way - I will warn you of erasing parts of history that make you uncomfortable. Do not make the mistake of making your mental/physical/emotional world comfortable as the cost of history or - even - reality. Invest in reasonable and real conversation about progress - but not at the cost of the future... because I promise, if we continue to erase a past that somehow insults those who never experienced it - we will be doomed to repeat it.
Or worse.
Let's not get to the 'or worse' part....
Please.
So if you see my jeep - know I'm bouncing around in it - happy - listening to music - likely some Waylon Jennings. (Press Play Below.)
There are always those songs that we hear on the radio, or on Pandora, or maybe our Amazon station - we hear parts of the song - but don't really hear the story of the song...
The first time I looked up the lyrics of this song I whispered aloud, "woah."
Just a whisper.
- my past - the same for my brothers - has not been a road you would choose. If you know me - them - us - you know this. And yet, even with the racket - we are some pretty amazing (I wanted to type badass) people.
....
But a story re-told is not the point of this blog.
Music. Music.
I live a life where there is a soundtrack constantly playing in my mind. Sometimes it bubbles out - sometimes I have to share a song.
Tonight - I have to share a song.
Snow is surrounding me everywhere. Soup is made. Quilting is being pieced and sewn. I've grabbed pieces from my Europe trip and started to group things so I can begin the process of creating altered books that will encapsulate that amazing adventure.
Wherever you are now - this moment - this point in your life - I sure hope: By the grace of the fire and the flames, You're the face of the future, the blood in my veins, oh ooh, The blood in my veins, oh ooh But they never did, ever lived, ebbing and flowing, Inhibited, limited, Till it broke up and it rained down, It rained down, like.... You made me a, you made me a believer, believer.
First things first
I'ma say all the words inside my head
I'm fired up and tired of the way that things have been, oh ooh
The way that things have been, oh ooh
Second thing
Second, don't you tell me what you think that I can be
I'm the one at the sail, I'm the master of my sea, oh ooh
The master of my sea, oh ooh
I was broken from a young age
Taking my soul into the masses
Write down my poems for the few
That looked at me took to me, shook to me, feeling me
Singing from heart ache from the pain
Take up my message from the veins
Speaking my lesson from the brain
Seeing the beauty through the
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
(Pain, pain)
You break me down, you build me up, believer, believer
(Pain)
I let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My luck, my love, my God, they came from
(Pain)
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
Third things third
Send a prayer to the ones up above
All the hate that you've heard has turned your spirit to a dove, oh ooh
Your spirit up above, oh ooh
I was choking in the crowd
Living my brain up in the cloud
Falling like ashes to the ground
Hoping my feelings, they would drown
But they never did, ever lived, ebbing and flowing
Inhibited, limited
Till it broke up and it rained down
It rained down, like
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
(Pain, pain)
You break me down, you built me up, believer, believer
(Pain)
I let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My luck, my love, my God, they came from
(Pain)
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
Last things last
By the grace of the fire and the flames
You're the face of the future, the blood in my veins, oh ooh
The blood in my veins, oh ooh
But they never did, ever lived, ebbing and flowing
Inhibited, limited
Till it broke up and it rained down
It rained down, like
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
(Pain, pain)
You break me down, you built me up, believer, believer
(Pain)
I let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My luck, my love, my God, they came from
(Pain)
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
Interestingly - it's people - it's my friends - it's a complete stranger ... these are the large majority that provide the best and most real inspiration.
Leaves inspire me. And rocks. And how the sun curves over a building at sunrise or sunset.
The way a man looks when he is pondering a matter. The way a woman looks when she is determined. The way a woman looks when she has embraced the beauty of being a woman.
Art.
Y'all - art makes my heart race. It's a visceral response ... it's real and right in Simone world.
Late Autumn is singing its tune to me - and Winter whispers.
I feel like it's daring me. Likely - it is.
Be the ever beautiful possibility...
Just be so ever happy for the opportunity to be your genuine self.
I love quotes. I love quotes and words that make me think.
I'm on a Teddy Roosevelt kick right now - and I was struck on how a few of his quotes are aligning with my current life path.
...
On self-knowledge:"Unless a man is master of his soul, all other kinds of mastery amount to little."
Being single - in my 40s - working for a company and people that I am passionate about - no one left to raise but my own standards and self... there has been a lot of soul searching and self-evaluation about my life's intent and direction. Meredith used to call me a "temp" - meaning I was never settled. There was always another direction, another place to improve, another opportunity. I'm planning on taking the next few years to focus on bettering this person - this Simone. Mastering and developing my better self/soul... game on.
On inaction:"To sit home, read one's favorite paper, and scoff at the misdeeds of the men who do things is easy, but it is markedly ineffective. It is what evil men count upon the good men's doing."
Recently my heart was grasped, wrangled and then a strong attempt at crushing it was attempted. Silly me. But it was the red flags, it was the lies, it was the inability to sit and be silent when poked by a stick... Do not ever lay down and cower when faced with a bully - be the unsilenced voice. Be the banner of right when right has been lost in smoke and mirrors. Push past the fear of rocking the boat and be the sails. Be the anchor in rough seas and the sails when right presents itself - even if it's uncomfortable - be the sails.
On conflict: "The unforgivable crime is soft hitting. Do not hit at all if it can be avoided; but never hit softly."
One of my favorite Simone writings included a comment, "I play hard, but land soft..." If you're going to jump - jump. Don't half-ass your choices or your life. If you bring out the stick - you'd better be ready to use it. If you don't have to use the stick - don't use it. But be prepared to back up your direction and destination.
...
Y'all - I'm finding my known skin that I never knew. It's pretty awesome.
Be you. Just be your best, fearless, hopeful, joyful, appreciative self.
Be kind. *sigh* Be kind.
Much love from the Wildling in the North - (or your neighbor if you're in Montana).
