Beautiful

It was slow to happen, one of those things in life you don't even realize.

You've spent a couple score of years not even knowing it.

And then, simply, one day - you look in the mirror and you think, "I'm beautiful."

And when it happened - when this moment happened -  I felt like a startled deer in Autumn and a shot of fine, warming Kentucky bourbon running through my body at the same time.

41 years.  41 years and a body marked with scars, stretch marks, and showing small tell/tale signs of lines on my face - it was surprising when I turned to grab my keys, glanced in the mirror and smiled at myself and thought, "I'm beautiful."

Not your traditional beauty, mind you, I'll never be a single digit size, nor will I be a sculpted goddess with a washboard tummy.  I do have phenomenal hair, sincere eyes, round high cheek-bones, a beauty mark above the left corner of my lips - and those lips - quick to smile, easy to laugh, and ready for witty dialogue and debate.  While feeding my soul, I started to feed my shine that brightens others - by taking care of me - I started to let my Simoneness break through.

I am beautiful.

Hello me. Welcome.
...

May you know you.  Find you.  Love you.  Be grateful.

§

Because One Day...

... something and someone else matters...

... because it might be the anniversary that crushes most anyone...

... because the ability to control cheese melt - or distribution thereof... doesn't matter...

... life is this short value - that denotes something that we can never measure

Even a Simone has cracks and balanced needs.... 

Because you get to decide - one day - if it's worth your effort.

Relationships are selfish and inclusive - and they are what we get to decide...

and that goes both ways.

I decided quite some time ago what is worth my effort - but it is not without return... I don't need "things" ... but I need...

I need.

And I won't bow or beg for it anymore...

Anti-up. 

Cuarenta and Wonder.

Last day as two score.

I'm grinning typing this.  I remember thinking 35 was old.  Because once I turned 35, Meredith would be 20.  Rob would be 16.  Man, that's old.

(Chuckling at myself.)

2017 has proven itself as a year of growth.  (wow)  (wow)  (dude)

(Has anyone noticed - for all the decorum of my many reactions... I often find myself saying "dude"...)

Child of the 80s and Sean Penn have never left me.

...

So if you know, and if you don't, there is a song I play every day of me.  (birthday)  It's "Wonder" by Natalie Merchant.  Not one to think I'm unique - I'm not - but I am going to be a part of joy.  I may even (often) instigate it.  (Joy is my manna.)  

"...  I believe, fate, fate smiled And destiny laughed as she came to my cradle Know this child will be able Laughed as she came to my mother Know this child will not suffer Laughed as my body she lifted Know this child will be gifted With love, with patience and with faith She'll make her way, she'll make her way"  

I have been in cities all over this U.S. of A. and woke up August 2nd and my first act before exiting bed is to play this song.  It's fierce and empowering and ... it's right for me.

You, dear reader, likely know 1/16th of my story - likely less - and that's what I hope for because I am not the story of old but the opportunity of new.  Once upon a time I was working on a book about my life experiences... and then I stopped.  Someone asked why I stopped - and simply - I don't want to write that story anymore.

I want to write this one.  I want to be part of my now.  Really - yesterday - last decade - the one before - doesn't account for my now. I desire to be in the now.

I want you to be the same.

You are not defined by the past.

You have now - next - real - and please, never discount that real. It's pretty freakin' amazing.   Your now will set the stage for amazing opportunity and grace.

Let's not forget Grace.  (huge, huge)

Cuarenta y uno - here I come.  Like a rocket - with streamers, joy, light and acceptance of opportunity.

Lift off.

Lyrics:
Doctors have come from distant cities, just to see me Stand over my bed, disbelieving what they're seeing They say I must be one of the wonders Of God's own creation And as far as they see, they can offer No explanation Newspapers ask intimate questions, want confessions They reach into my head to steal, the glory of my story They say I must be one of the wonders Of God's own creation And as far as they see, they can offer No explanation Ooo, I believe, fate, fate smiled And destiny laughed as she came to my cradle Know this child will be able Laughed as my body she lifted Know this child will be gifted With love, with patience, and with faith She'll make her way, she'll make her wayPeople see me I'm a challenge to your balance I'm over your heads how I confound you And astound you To know I must be one of the wonders They say I must be one of the wonders Of God's own creation And as far as they see, they can offer No explanation Ooo, I believe, fate, fate smiled And destiny laughed as she came to my cradle Know this child will be able Laughed as she came to my mother Know this child will not suffer Laughed as my body she lifted Know this child will be gifted With love, with patience and with faith She'll make her way, she'll make her way

Not Written by Me - But Because of Me

This was written 10 years ago, by a friend who I have known for almost 17+ years now.

He is/was kind - and quite loved to this day.  Thank you, Dante/Solomon/Machew.

...

Simone is a woman.
Simone is a parent.
Simone is a child.
Simone is a paralegal.
Simone is 31 years of a person.
Simone is a sister, a mother, a neighbor, a lover and a friend.
Simone is sometimes a blonde.
Simone is exceedingly open, and yet almost always clothed in some sort of mystery.

But what is Simone ... to me? Who is this person TO ME? How does she fit into my life?

Simone is myself, made with different cells, standing in a different land, surrounded by a different people.
Simone is a blue-green sea into which I dip the blade of my oar - sometimes calm, sometimes stormy.
Simone is a darker second heart, which was previously hidden and undiscovered (or, at least unclaimed).
Simone is a tantalizing woman who lives life as a scholar where I am a student.
Simone is a disciplined apprentice where I am a journeyman.
Simone is an exaltation of life, and explosion of spirit, a triumph of 'yes.'
Simone is the wellspring for my own self-awareness and self-acceptance.
Simone is knowing and knowledge, but still question and interest.
Simone is a persevering soul, teaching me patience and impatience in equal measure.
Simone is a yearning and burning for learning.
Simone is the fork to my own spoon, able to pick up what I can only stir.
Simone is the answer to the dull ache of emptiness that filled parts of me before I met her.
Simone is a vast and exotic desert, awaiting exploration of every dune, hill, mesa and oasis.
Simone is proof that I am not alone, and a reminder that I will never be alone.
Simone is the victim that turns tragedy into triumph.
Simone is a beacon in my life, shining a light as a direction and a certaintude
Simone is the slick shuffle of cloth across stone, punctuated by the staccato thump of feet on marble.
Simone is the upside-down frown.
Simone is the person I will love unlike any other, for the rest of my days.
Simone is a river of twists and turns and silt and locks and dams and fish and land - and always moving.
Simone is a celebration of color and light, fountaining into the air and splashing down on those of us close to her.
Simone is Hope embodied, and Love nodding an affirmation.
Simone is the most satisfying and fulfilling sexual partner I have ever experienced, bar none.
Simone is the salt in an ocean, weight that buoys my body towards the sun, and lends taste to my food.
Simone is a bright glass, through which I can see the reflections of another me.
Simone is a lighthouse on a distant shore, transforming isolating darkness into the surety of companionship
Simone is taking the step beyond thinking.
Simone is the far helix, the other half of the DNA of my own desire
Simone is as close as Life itself, and yet as far off as my own denial of who I am.
Simone is the second half of my heartbeat - the one that fills my body with much-needed oxygen
Simone is an anagram for: "So in Me"
and, right now, Simone is reading this and smiling.

IMF

::exhale::

I need impenetrable mental fortitude.

Or - at the very least - I need to build thicker walls and jump in deeper ponds and oceans.  Immersion at its very best.  Age (this makes me laugh) - is finding me prepared for a wound.  A wound not developed - a wound that is expected.

I hate this.

I hate it.

Frankly, I'm not good at this self-discovery life part of things... I've got self-discovery down.  It's the adding someone to this mix - it's discombobulating. And scary.   "Why can't we all just get along...."

My personality is one that invests ... I don't think that's an option for this life of finding that 'one.'

For the love of all that's holy - I know - (and I do) - he's there.

Just be careful with my fragile heart....

... and my impenetrable fortitude.

Not always easily... anything.

Impenetrable Mental Fortitude - IMF - It's going to take awhile.

By Nature

You are...

... a sprinkler head, rotating with metronome precision on a hot summer day - water dancing in the sky - twisting, turning, somersaulting like liquid diamonds in mid-air

... the soft spoken breeze through a meadow, graced by flowers, wandered by few - framed by spruce and pine

... the dust of a dirt road - not blocking the view - but beckoning to move forward, breathe deep - k.e.e.p. g.o.i.n.g.

... earth in hand, the smell of life built from the ground up - sun hats and sweat feeding the soil 

... an over the shoulder glance - half smile, whole spirit moment - completely present  - realized and real

... wispy clouds, contrails, setting suns and rainbows - gold and purple - magenta and green - the visual equivalent of "yes"

... rock monsters, mountains, snow, bubbling mud -
                       you are, by nature, the perfectly placed stone.

§

(Happy day, you beautiful souls.)

May You Know Your You

Being kind should never be difficult.

Let me emphasize that knowing... "Being kind should never be difficult."

If it is, you're in the wrong environment.

Today I was kind to myself.  Montana - the state - the trees and flowers...  it provides a perspective that cannot be spoken.

But damn....

Sometimes it feels like there aren't enough flowers.

Just breathe.  

...

I hope you know your you - may you realize the impact you have on the lives around you.

- Simona-Pelona