She is Meredith Star...

Now that the deed is done -
Now that she has graduated from college -
Now that she sees and knows her amazing worth -

I want to tell you the story of Meredith Star, the child of a child who became a woman planted by her own two feet.

I found out I was pregnant with Meredith in July of 1991.  I was 14.  There is a whole other part of this story that is inconsequential to the reality - but truth be told - Meredith has been fighting odds since she was the smallest embryo.  Something in her very spirit fed my own and and I truly believe it's because that strong soul was so present inside of me, well, it's this reason that Meredith is today. 

Some bullet points:

• I was asked to abort her
• I was moved to another city to give her up for adoption
• I met a couple who wanted to adopt her along with their lawyer
• I was in 9th grade in Midland Texas - and a very 'popular' girl stopped me in the hall one day and told me that my child was going to be a bastard and we were both going to hell
• Jostled in a group of teenagers going down the stairs during my pregnancy, I fell down the stairs at school when I was pregnant and fractured my tailbone
• The last two months of pregnancy I was diagnosed with preeclampsia and put on bed rest - I had a private tutor show up every day with my homework
• I received an award in Physical Science when I was pregnant - my science teacher implored me to give Meredith up for adoption because she did not see how I could ever be successful with my talent for science if I was a mom at such a young age
• I went for a sonogram with the woman that wanted to adopt her - and as soon as I saw the screen and heard her heartbeat, I knew I would move the heavens and earth to keep her
• I put myself into a Drug and Alcohol program when I was pregnant with her (PDAP - Palmer Drug Abuse Program) - because I was raised in a culture of drugs - and I was still around them the entire time I was pregnant - I wanted to give her the only gift I could at the time... and that was being healthy
• When I told my grandparents that I was keeping her - they were less than thrilled - my brother Joe took up for me, rallied behind me for my choice, and stood beside me when I was most alone
• I walked to the free clinic for my monthly and then weekly checkups
• I lived in a car for a month while I was pregnant because of mismanagement of money by the adult in my life
• When she was born, she entered the world not crying - not in distress - she was honestly looking at the world with these two big beautiful eyes and the 2 nurses, midwife, and my mother all inhaled and exclaimed, "look at her eyes"... I thought I'd given birth to ET.  She had the biggest eyes I'd ever seen.
• She was embraced into this world by a very capable and wonderful midwife
• The hospital kept me 4 extra days and had someone visit me every day to discuss the option of adoption.
• Day 2, her dad proposed to me over the phone - I told him I had to think about it.
• Day 2, after the call, I sat indian legged - with this small person in the crook of my legs and said, "Kid, I have no idea what I'm doing.  I don't know what the right answer is.  In fact, I think I might make more wrong choices - so forgive me for a lot of things I haven't done yet."
• Three weeks later her dad picked her and I up from Midland.
• Back in Abilene, I went back to school and she stayed in the state-funded daycare for high-school moms
• My grandparents, previously opposed to my choice to keep this child, told me that my disobedience to their plan was the greatest thing they'd ever seen - Meredith was the light and shine of each step - my Nana let Meredith walk on the dining room table... that was just unheard of....  
• Her paternal grandfather, Joe, was her biggest cheerleader. When my history teacher mocked me in front of the entire class for needing a pardon for being late to his class because I had to drop off my daughter - Joe, fired up for his grand-daughter and for me - that man called the high-school and dressed them down in a way that I am still grateful for and in awe.  He was amazing.  In so many ways - I will never forget someone championing me.
• I was so determined that she be better than I was, I was relentless with her education very young... and she could not retain the simplest letters or number combinations.  She could barely write her name.  I was incensed ...and I was stupid... 
• When she was in 2nd grade a teacher finally realized that Meredith has dyslexia and scotopic sensitivity.  Words/letters/numbers didn't look the same to her... (shame on me...)
• The same year we visited multiple doctors.  Meredith felt awful.  The doctor told me it was in her head.  Finally, she was so miserable that we went to the ER (and I was so frustrated with her because the doctor told me so many times there was nothing wrong - three months of nothing is wrong with her - she is creating in her head this sickness ...)  ... and in the ER, this small, 
• beautiful girl said to me... "Mom, I feel so bad... "  and I looked at the doctor and said, "We are not leaving this hospital until you figure out what is wrong with her."  ... And then... they realized this child has Kidney Reflux Disease.  Not only that - her system - her entire body - was shutting down from the stress of infection... and she was admitted to the hospital....
• She asked me during this extended hospital stay if she was going to die - I promised God, the Goddess and my very life, that I would never question her honest and real intuition again.  I was her voice.  I would be the most fierce voice the world has ever known.
• She wanted to travel and I always tried to clear the path of her wants - Colorado, New York, and Europe.
• She wanted to highlight her music ability and we searched for colleges that could foster her talents.
• I begged her to take basic high-school courses - she refused.  She said they were too easy and then she studied for 5 hours + every night to pass the advanced classes with a C or B.
• I asked her to take the easy roads and she was determined to take the most difficult.
• She has felt a duty to care for her younger brother and has stood toe to toe with me when I have been staunch in my position.  She is a phenomenal older sister. 
• She picked a college that was conservative in nature and she stood toe to toe with conservative/closed-minded souls who valued the concepts of strange ideologies more than they did real people.  
• Meredith is the champion of real people.
• She makes me so proud - just her very being - how in the world did this soul come from me...

There's so much more to this story - but I welcome you world - I bless you ... with the gift of Meredith Star.  She is of the Divine. 

She is of me.

And I am forever blessed.

Just Breathe

The past few weeks.

Lord.

I've felt like this year was going to force me to grow personally and professionally.  I had no idea it might mean a whole other parasitic twin emerging from my being.

::breathe::

Hey - my daughter graduated from college.
My brother Joe gave me the greatest gift that he didn't even know was possible.
My son gave me pardon of weight that I carried so heavily that I could no longer breathe.  He labeled my gift to him as vibrant and said he was proud of me.

::breathe::

I work with the most amazing team in the history of the world. Really. 
And yet, I feel like I'm not doing enough.  I want to do more.  I want to grow them to Titans of their profession and make our mighty Montana even more mighty.
I face the world of doing what's right - or doing what's easy.  Right makes you sleep at night.

::breathe::

To quote Tammy Wynette "D.I.V.O.R.C.E."
Dang it.  I have a terrible batting average.

::breathe::

I am a stranger in a strange land.  Forty. Fierce. Trying to hold the 'it' together.  
"Rut-Roh, Shaggy."  (I actually say that.)
Trying to judge my trajectory but keep my Simoneness.  Trying to break out of the parts of my own self that were stagnant and breathe new life into open possibility.

::breathe::

So - if you pray, I need a few.
If you meditate, I need your energy and love.
If you radiate your light, shine your rays in my direction.

I'm trying.  I am truly trying.

Love to all of you - you crazy, wonderful, odd spirits.

§

Randolph Wanderings

I'm asked, "Why do you write this ..."

Well. Folks.  I write.  That's what I do.  

It's what makes me Simone.  (Suck it up, Buttercup.)

Writing is the best outlet of my possibility.  (there is so much possibility beyond this... I pray others expand upon the concept....)

I am the peripheral glance of many processes and yet a possible primary function and solution of all.

This makes me pause (and chuckle... for the love of all that's holy... let's chuckle....)

.... the pause...

The goal - my goal - this goal - is to realize the impact to/of the whole.

There are many....

... but this is work talk.... let me redesign the possibilities...

If you can make a process better... I challenge you to do so.

If you can be an advocate for the unspoken...  be the voice.  It's difficult.  I know.  But do it.

If you can resolve to be separate from all of the noise... the only real point I can give you is to find your best key.  And make it yours.

Opportunity makes me reflective.  

But - darn it - be expansive in your own possibility. 

Breathe. Deep.

Be great.

Pride Goeth...

Pride.

It comes in so many forms.

(Shiny object - it's rain snowing outside... and it's April - Texas folks, don't be jealous...)

back on topic...

Pride.

I started this blog in 2008 and it was initially about random acts of kindness - if you know anything about me, you know such acts - in my belief - make the world go round.  There is something amazing about a kind word, a cup of coffee, a smile, holding the door for someone, making eye-contact, listening... REALLY listening to someone.  It can change lives - I would be so bold to say it does change lives.

Without wanting to admit this fault - I am, exceedingly prideful. 

(Seriously - the snow is coming down hardcore right now...)

... remain on topic...

Things that I do not want to do:

• Ask for help
• Admit I'm hurt
• Show my pain
• Expose vulnerabilities
• Feel powerless
• Cry - I hate crying
• Let people in too deep
• Feel or portray a negative point of view
• ... be anything other than the light I want my heart to show

(Holy BUCKETS!  This weather is giving me a serious kick!)

Today - my friend, Desa - without realizing it - called me out on my pride.  My heart has been kinda heavy - and I haven't conveyed much of it to anyone.  Directing my ship and purpose to 'North'... I just keep going.  Don't stop.  Don't break the shield of "everything is fine" - "I'm fine" - "Nothing to see here... move along...."

It's okay to say - "hey, my heart is heavy."  

It's okay to say - "the me that you're expecting is currently figuring out what 'me' is..."

It's okay to say - "woah - slow your roll - I'm human..."

I'm prideful.  

Let's review a few good quotes... (I love good quotes...)

• "Anger is the enemy of non-violence and pride is a monster that swallows it up." - Mahatma Gandhi  (Smart dude Gandhi) 
• "I would always rather be happy than dignified." Charlotte Bronte  (Lady knew her stuff.)
• "We are rarely proud when we are alone."  Voltaire  (Clearing throat)

(Did I mention the awesome snow that most folks in Montana are cursing?)

Truth be told, pride is an area I need to work on.

I need to learn to say "help" and be okay with it...

... and with friends like beautiful Desa - I can....

Go forth and be awesome.  And flawed.  And human.

And F-ing Beautiful.

- §

Fierce Teddy Roosevelt... and other craziness

The first time I heard "fierce" used as a verb was from Tyra Banks.

You read that right.  Tyra Banks.   I can't even believe I'm typing it... but "fierce" was such a fiery word of action.  Less descriptive - completely forward motion.

These past weeks, I've felt fierce.  In a way that is "used to describe an action, state, or occurrence, and forming the main part of the predicate of a sentence"

Fierce.  Action.

Work has required me to grab the lion by the tail and make it perform.  My personal life has required me to hold on with both hands and demand access to the genuine me.

Completely fierce.

Ever one to notice points of change in people, I've had the following life observations:

• Nothing brings out the worst in people than death and divorce.
• A woman going through a life transition changes her hair cut or color.
• People will always show you who they are.
• Those who support you, even in moments of complete uncertainty, are the jewels of life.
• Teddy Roosevelt either had some good writers or a brilliant mind:
• “It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.”
• “The only man who never makes mistakes is the man who never does anything.” 
• “In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing.” 
• “Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.” 

Dear Teddy - you're a bad@ss.

I'm embracing a world of action.  Real and right action.

Action includes growing pains.  

I can only encourage this real point, "Grow, baby, grow."

and to quote Tyra "be fierce" in the process of your growth.

... 2017 is going to be awesome.  I give it no other possibility.

You go be you.  

Let me give you a direction... you are fierce and mighty.

Much love from this lioness who is ready to create, foster and succeed.

- Simone 

Regina Spektor

Fidelity https://g.co/kgs/2j9tHX

The Process of Breathing

...

dot. dot. dot.

I am ... supposed to tell you I'm fine.

I'm great.

I'm a survivor.  I'm a fighter.

... Folks - real - I'm not always okay.  I am filled with the resonance of doubt and a history that would boggle most.  I require myself to keep going.

To keep breathing and to not give up.

Simone - (psst)... you cannot give up.  You will strive for more.  Some days - or weeks - or months - or years - are less than favorable.

More so - I realize I live in a world lately that I can't be me... 100% Simone - and that is less than favorable... because, really, I'm quirky...  I'm ... a combination of trying hard and giving hard....

I'm tired.

This is not a work thing - because I have the faith of mountains of each person who crosses my path...

Dude... seriously.... with this faith... you should fly....

This is a combination of many paths... including my own.

But sometimes the closest edge is burned.

Sometimes the supernova is found to be burned out.

Sometimes.... you're simply yourself.   You're a Simone.  You're faulted.  You're favored.  You're fucked.  ( yes, I just typed that...)

The best points of my life are the aspects where I participated ... I must figure out the path that brings me back to me and this.

Breathe.