I never know what I want to write about. What I do know is I write - and it may be random, and it may not be. Simply Sunshine With Occasional Showers just describes each of us every single day.
Do you know what you do when someone lets you down?
(I just laughed... I have no idea what you do... let me tell you what I do.)
I get really sad. Sad that I had misplaced trust - because words and actions mean so much to me that I placed trust (precious stone, precious trust) in untrue hands.
Then - 99.7% of the time - I pick myself up, dust myself off... like this...
(Thanks, Tink)
Then I think, think, think... if you were the best you, what would you do next? You would give that hurt back to the person - not hold onto it - and find a best way to be the best Simone.
Often people ask me - how did you get through it - ... well, I thought I'd best do something productive and improve myself. Learn something new, create something new, write something new - from the ashes make soap. Listen to music that makes my pulse beat again -
(Right now - it's "Country Song" by Seether... not what you're expecting from a Simone, eh? - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NMxwbn_QoU )
I will not dare let someone touch this light very long where it will dampen. Enough.
I choose to be better. I choose to reflect upon the situation as a lesson that will make me better - and trust me - it will.
2017's Summer Vacation - lots of new. Lots of challenges. Much to write about.
I had never been to Glacier National Park ... it was on the list - people were adamant that it be part of my Montana experience. Truth be told, I knew Glacier would fit into my enamoured concept of Montana.
It didn't disappoint.
One camping spot at Bowman Lake found me paddling the lake often - there is a completely different story about Lake Bowman - but one afternoon found my camp partners readying for a nap and I headed to the lake to paddle board out... and out... and out... like an hour and a half paddling in one direction. I wanted to get in between the glaciers and mountains. I wanted to see what was beyond the panoramic scene from the lake shore.
It was this experience, paddling out so far, seeing the mountains and glaciers - that made me realize the number of people who drove to Lake Bowman - they stood on the shore - took photos and they left.
This thought shook me.
And yet, gave me a great realization...
I was no longer the person who stood upon the shore.
There was/is this whole other world defined by the beauty that was quite prevalent merely from a car/short hike/shoreline.
And yet - and then - there was this beauty that unfolded if you were brave enough to venture further.
I feel brave.
I feel real.
I feel right.
Never do I want to be a shoreline viewer - let the opportunity to venture further always present itself.
More writing to come - but I wish you waters that carry you forward, views that put life into perspective and the knowledge that all is tied into one.
There's a movie where someone pronounced the word fragile as "fraj-eel-ee" - I still read the word like that in my head.
That's how I'm feeling right now - fraj-eel-ee.
Where to start - and where can I even voice this...
I trusted someone. Took them at face value - and in the process found my heart sneaking into the picture - and then it was ripped out, chewed up, set in front of me and shattered.
Fraj-eel-ee.
Strong woman. Yeup.
Maybe.
Work ... Jesus H Christ. What a mess. Restraining orders. Court hearings. Madness.
Fraj-eel-ee.
I want to pull the pieces of me back into place and protect them. I want to go back three months.
I don't want to be fraj-eel-ee. I want to be me.
So I'm going to give myself 3 days of feeling fraj-eel-ee.
And then I'm going to suck it up and find my fierce, bad-ass self.
It was slow to happen, one of those things in life you don't even realize.
You've spent a couple score of years not even knowing it.
And then, simply, one day - you look in the mirror and you think, "I'm beautiful."
And when it happened - when this moment happened - I felt like a startled deer in Autumn and a shot of fine, warming Kentucky bourbon running through my body at the same time.
41 years. 41 years and a body marked with scars, stretch marks, and showing small tell/tale signs of lines on my face - it was surprising when I turned to grab my keys, glanced in the mirror and smiled at myself and thought, "I'm beautiful."
Not your traditional beauty, mind you, I'll never be a single digit size, nor will I be a sculpted goddess with a washboard tummy. I do have phenomenal hair, sincere eyes, round high cheek-bones, a beauty mark above the left corner of my lips - and those lips - quick to smile, easy to laugh, and ready for witty dialogue and debate. While feeding my soul, I started to feed my shine that brightens others - by taking care of me - I started to let my Simoneness break through.
I am beautiful.
Hello me. Welcome.
...
May you know you. Find you. Love you. Be grateful.
I'm grinning typing this. I remember thinking 35 was old. Because once I turned 35, Meredith would be 20. Rob would be 16. Man, that's old.
(Chuckling at myself.)
2017 has proven itself as a year of growth. (wow) (wow) (dude)
(Has anyone noticed - for all the decorum of my many reactions... I often find myself saying "dude"...)
Child of the 80s and Sean Penn have never left me.
...
So if you know, and if you don't, there is a song I play every day of me. (birthday) It's "Wonder" by Natalie Merchant. Not one to think I'm unique - I'm not - but I am going to be a part of joy. I may even (often) instigate it. (Joy is my manna.) "... I believe, fate, fate smiled And destiny laughed as she came to my cradle Know this child will be able Laughed as she came to my mother Know this child will not suffer Laughed as my body she lifted Know this child will be gifted With love, with patience and with faith She'll make her way, she'll make her way"
I have been in cities all over this U.S. of A. and woke up August 2nd and my first act before exiting bed is to play this song. It's fierce and empowering and ... it's right for me.
You, dear reader, likely know 1/16th of my story - likely less - and that's what I hope for because I am not the story of old but the opportunity of new. Once upon a time I was working on a book about my life experiences... and then I stopped. Someone asked why I stopped - and simply - I don't want to write that story anymore.
I want to write this one. I want to be part of my now. Really - yesterday - last decade - the one before - doesn't account for my now. I desire to be in the now.
I want you to be the same.
You are not defined by the past.
You have now - next - real - and please, never discount that real. It's pretty freakin' amazing. Your now will set the stage for amazing opportunity and grace.
Let's not forget Grace. (huge, huge)
Cuarenta y uno - here I come. Like a rocket - with streamers, joy, light and acceptance of opportunity.
Lift off.
Lyrics:
Doctors have come from distant cities, just to see me Stand over my bed, disbelieving what they're seeing They say I must be one of the wonders Of God's own creation And as far as they see, they can offer No explanation Newspapers ask intimate questions, want confessions They reach into my head to steal, the glory of my story They say I must be one of the wonders Of God's own creation And as far as they see, they can offer No explanation Ooo, I believe, fate, fate smiled And destiny laughed as she came to my cradle Know this child will be able Laughed as my body she lifted Know this child will be gifted With love, with patience, and with faith She'll make her way, she'll make her wayPeople see me I'm a challenge to your balance I'm over your heads how I confound you And astound you To know I must be one of the wonders They say I must be one of the wonders Of God's own creation And as far as they see, they can offer No explanation Ooo, I believe, fate, fate smiled And destiny laughed as she came to my cradle Know this child will be able Laughed as she came to my mother Know this child will not suffer Laughed as my body she lifted Know this child will be gifted With love, with patience and with faith She'll make her way, she'll make her way
