Cuarenta and Wonder.

Last day as two score.

I'm grinning typing this.  I remember thinking 35 was old.  Because once I turned 35, Meredith would be 20.  Rob would be 16.  Man, that's old.

(Chuckling at myself.)

2017 has proven itself as a year of growth.  (wow)  (wow)  (dude)

(Has anyone noticed - for all the decorum of my many reactions... I often find myself saying "dude"...)

Child of the 80s and Sean Penn have never left me.

...

So if you know, and if you don't, there is a song I play every day of me.  (birthday)  It's "Wonder" by Natalie Merchant.  Not one to think I'm unique - I'm not - but I am going to be a part of joy.  I may even (often) instigate it.  (Joy is my manna.)  

"...  I believe, fate, fate smiled And destiny laughed as she came to my cradle Know this child will be able Laughed as she came to my mother Know this child will not suffer Laughed as my body she lifted Know this child will be gifted With love, with patience and with faith She'll make her way, she'll make her way"  

I have been in cities all over this U.S. of A. and woke up August 2nd and my first act before exiting bed is to play this song.  It's fierce and empowering and ... it's right for me.

You, dear reader, likely know 1/16th of my story - likely less - and that's what I hope for because I am not the story of old but the opportunity of new.  Once upon a time I was working on a book about my life experiences... and then I stopped.  Someone asked why I stopped - and simply - I don't want to write that story anymore.

I want to write this one.  I want to be part of my now.  Really - yesterday - last decade - the one before - doesn't account for my now. I desire to be in the now.

I want you to be the same.

You are not defined by the past.

You have now - next - real - and please, never discount that real. It's pretty freakin' amazing.   Your now will set the stage for amazing opportunity and grace.

Let's not forget Grace.  (huge, huge)

Cuarenta y uno - here I come.  Like a rocket - with streamers, joy, light and acceptance of opportunity.

Lift off.

Lyrics:
Doctors have come from distant cities, just to see me Stand over my bed, disbelieving what they're seeing They say I must be one of the wonders Of God's own creation And as far as they see, they can offer No explanation Newspapers ask intimate questions, want confessions They reach into my head to steal, the glory of my story They say I must be one of the wonders Of God's own creation And as far as they see, they can offer No explanation Ooo, I believe, fate, fate smiled And destiny laughed as she came to my cradle Know this child will be able Laughed as my body she lifted Know this child will be gifted With love, with patience, and with faith She'll make her way, she'll make her wayPeople see me I'm a challenge to your balance I'm over your heads how I confound you And astound you To know I must be one of the wonders They say I must be one of the wonders Of God's own creation And as far as they see, they can offer No explanation Ooo, I believe, fate, fate smiled And destiny laughed as she came to my cradle Know this child will be able Laughed as she came to my mother Know this child will not suffer Laughed as my body she lifted Know this child will be gifted With love, with patience and with faith She'll make her way, she'll make her way

Not Written by Me - But Because of Me

This was written 10 years ago, by a friend who I have known for almost 17+ years now.

He is/was kind - and quite loved to this day.  Thank you, Dante/Solomon/Machew.

...

Simone is a woman.
Simone is a parent.
Simone is a child.
Simone is a paralegal.
Simone is 31 years of a person.
Simone is a sister, a mother, a neighbor, a lover and a friend.
Simone is sometimes a blonde.
Simone is exceedingly open, and yet almost always clothed in some sort of mystery.

But what is Simone ... to me? Who is this person TO ME? How does she fit into my life?

Simone is myself, made with different cells, standing in a different land, surrounded by a different people.
Simone is a blue-green sea into which I dip the blade of my oar - sometimes calm, sometimes stormy.
Simone is a darker second heart, which was previously hidden and undiscovered (or, at least unclaimed).
Simone is a tantalizing woman who lives life as a scholar where I am a student.
Simone is a disciplined apprentice where I am a journeyman.
Simone is an exaltation of life, and explosion of spirit, a triumph of 'yes.'
Simone is the wellspring for my own self-awareness and self-acceptance.
Simone is knowing and knowledge, but still question and interest.
Simone is a persevering soul, teaching me patience and impatience in equal measure.
Simone is a yearning and burning for learning.
Simone is the fork to my own spoon, able to pick up what I can only stir.
Simone is the answer to the dull ache of emptiness that filled parts of me before I met her.
Simone is a vast and exotic desert, awaiting exploration of every dune, hill, mesa and oasis.
Simone is proof that I am not alone, and a reminder that I will never be alone.
Simone is the victim that turns tragedy into triumph.
Simone is a beacon in my life, shining a light as a direction and a certaintude
Simone is the slick shuffle of cloth across stone, punctuated by the staccato thump of feet on marble.
Simone is the upside-down frown.
Simone is the person I will love unlike any other, for the rest of my days.
Simone is a river of twists and turns and silt and locks and dams and fish and land - and always moving.
Simone is a celebration of color and light, fountaining into the air and splashing down on those of us close to her.
Simone is Hope embodied, and Love nodding an affirmation.
Simone is the most satisfying and fulfilling sexual partner I have ever experienced, bar none.
Simone is the salt in an ocean, weight that buoys my body towards the sun, and lends taste to my food.
Simone is a bright glass, through which I can see the reflections of another me.
Simone is a lighthouse on a distant shore, transforming isolating darkness into the surety of companionship
Simone is taking the step beyond thinking.
Simone is the far helix, the other half of the DNA of my own desire
Simone is as close as Life itself, and yet as far off as my own denial of who I am.
Simone is the second half of my heartbeat - the one that fills my body with much-needed oxygen
Simone is an anagram for: "So in Me"
and, right now, Simone is reading this and smiling.

IMF

::exhale::

I need impenetrable mental fortitude.

Or - at the very least - I need to build thicker walls and jump in deeper ponds and oceans.  Immersion at its very best.  Age (this makes me laugh) - is finding me prepared for a wound.  A wound not developed - a wound that is expected.

I hate this.

I hate it.

Frankly, I'm not good at this self-discovery life part of things... I've got self-discovery down.  It's the adding someone to this mix - it's discombobulating. And scary.   "Why can't we all just get along...."

My personality is one that invests ... I don't think that's an option for this life of finding that 'one.'

For the love of all that's holy - I know - (and I do) - he's there.

Just be careful with my fragile heart....

... and my impenetrable fortitude.

Not always easily... anything.

Impenetrable Mental Fortitude - IMF - It's going to take awhile.

By Nature

You are...

... a sprinkler head, rotating with metronome precision on a hot summer day - water dancing in the sky - twisting, turning, somersaulting like liquid diamonds in mid-air

... the soft spoken breeze through a meadow, graced by flowers, wandered by few - framed by spruce and pine

... the dust of a dirt road - not blocking the view - but beckoning to move forward, breathe deep - k.e.e.p. g.o.i.n.g.

... earth in hand, the smell of life built from the ground up - sun hats and sweat feeding the soil 

... an over the shoulder glance - half smile, whole spirit moment - completely present  - realized and real

... wispy clouds, contrails, setting suns and rainbows - gold and purple - magenta and green - the visual equivalent of "yes"

... rock monsters, mountains, snow, bubbling mud -
                       you are, by nature, the perfectly placed stone.

§

(Happy day, you beautiful souls.)

May You Know Your You

Being kind should never be difficult.

Let me emphasize that knowing... "Being kind should never be difficult."

If it is, you're in the wrong environment.

Today I was kind to myself.  Montana - the state - the trees and flowers...  it provides a perspective that cannot be spoken.

But damn....

Sometimes it feels like there aren't enough flowers.

Just breathe.  

...

I hope you know your you - may you realize the impact you have on the lives around you.

- Simona-Pelona

Queen of...

Over ten years ago a constable served me with a restraining order...

I could not see my children because a Writ and Sworn Statement by their father who indicated I was endangering their lives.

In the entire history of my life, I have never felt the sorrow - nor could I recreate the sound - of being barred from my children.  No recourse, no appeal - at the whim of the government who would realize the falsities that they were governing .... not once in my life have I known the torment of falling to my knees with that order.

A stranger decided my path and that of my children...

I faught.  *chuckle... don't I ever?  Made any other way?  Hypocrisy and lies should be fought with every sword... and there I was, alone, with my sword...

The final hearing, his attorney asked me an array of question that made her appear daft... "... Isn't it true you sing 'Ding Dong the Witch is Dead' when discussing my client's wife, Claudia..."

"No - we sing the 'de-det-det-dah-da-da'... you know... the tune when the evil witch is arriving"

I've always wondered how the stenographer captured my response.

The question that shaped the rest of my life and my decor ... was the following...

"Isn't it true?  You think you're a queen?  The Queen of Sheba."

Likely, on the stand, my mouth turned upward...

"Excuse me," I asked.

"You think you're the Queen of Sheba."

My inside Simone laid out in the sun on her lounge and thought... "yeah, so?"

But I knew where this was coming from...

"I'm sorry - I don't understand what you're referring to..."

But I did... and it had no concept with reality... it was a Simone ... discovering a Simone.

...

"What riches can I tell you of
What stories may I embark,
To walk the path of a layman
With the feet of a monarch.
Though the theories that I advise
Have come to mind of Grace...
I've come to face the theories now
Of the fears that I must face.
The inclination of a man,
though a mighty one I may be -
to feast upon the sweetest taste
of Woman - Sheba - Queen...
I want no mind, no glory
Just my brow upon her breast
To feast where few have traveled
And meet my gentled rest."

There's more to my prose written years ago, this ill-fit proper, was used to to bastardize my being.

She would not meet her equal that day. Or ever.

A child of children - I would succumb to an ill-word that was not of the real.

And rise... Because I am of the Divine... and those of me are of the Divine.

We rise and do not fall.  Pheonix of possibility.

Forget the past ... it's never the piece of possible.

Be possible.  Be divine.  Be royal.

I am.

I am of the Divine.

QoS.

Sheba of the Divine.

Simone of the Divine.

She is Meredith Star...

Now that the deed is done -
Now that she has graduated from college -
Now that she sees and knows her amazing worth -

I want to tell you the story of Meredith Star, the child of a child who became a woman planted by her own two feet.

I found out I was pregnant with Meredith in July of 1991.  I was 14.  There is a whole other part of this story that is inconsequential to the reality - but truth be told - Meredith has been fighting odds since she was the smallest embryo.  Something in her very spirit fed my own and and I truly believe it's because that strong soul was so present inside of me, well, it's this reason that Meredith is today. 

Some bullet points:

• I was asked to abort her
• I was moved to another city to give her up for adoption
• I met a couple who wanted to adopt her along with their lawyer
• I was in 9th grade in Midland Texas - and a very 'popular' girl stopped me in the hall one day and told me that my child was going to be a bastard and we were both going to hell
• Jostled in a group of teenagers going down the stairs during my pregnancy, I fell down the stairs at school when I was pregnant and fractured my tailbone
• The last two months of pregnancy I was diagnosed with preeclampsia and put on bed rest - I had a private tutor show up every day with my homework
• I received an award in Physical Science when I was pregnant - my science teacher implored me to give Meredith up for adoption because she did not see how I could ever be successful with my talent for science if I was a mom at such a young age
• I went for a sonogram with the woman that wanted to adopt her - and as soon as I saw the screen and heard her heartbeat, I knew I would move the heavens and earth to keep her
• I put myself into a Drug and Alcohol program when I was pregnant with her (PDAP - Palmer Drug Abuse Program) - because I was raised in a culture of drugs - and I was still around them the entire time I was pregnant - I wanted to give her the only gift I could at the time... and that was being healthy
• When I told my grandparents that I was keeping her - they were less than thrilled - my brother Joe took up for me, rallied behind me for my choice, and stood beside me when I was most alone
• I walked to the free clinic for my monthly and then weekly checkups
• I lived in a car for a month while I was pregnant because of mismanagement of money by the adult in my life
• When she was born, she entered the world not crying - not in distress - she was honestly looking at the world with these two big beautiful eyes and the 2 nurses, midwife, and my mother all inhaled and exclaimed, "look at her eyes"... I thought I'd given birth to ET.  She had the biggest eyes I'd ever seen.
• She was embraced into this world by a very capable and wonderful midwife
• The hospital kept me 4 extra days and had someone visit me every day to discuss the option of adoption.
• Day 2, her dad proposed to me over the phone - I told him I had to think about it.
• Day 2, after the call, I sat indian legged - with this small person in the crook of my legs and said, "Kid, I have no idea what I'm doing.  I don't know what the right answer is.  In fact, I think I might make more wrong choices - so forgive me for a lot of things I haven't done yet."
• Three weeks later her dad picked her and I up from Midland.
• Back in Abilene, I went back to school and she stayed in the state-funded daycare for high-school moms
• My grandparents, previously opposed to my choice to keep this child, told me that my disobedience to their plan was the greatest thing they'd ever seen - Meredith was the light and shine of each step - my Nana let Meredith walk on the dining room table... that was just unheard of....  
• Her paternal grandfather, Joe, was her biggest cheerleader. When my history teacher mocked me in front of the entire class for needing a pardon for being late to his class because I had to drop off my daughter - Joe, fired up for his grand-daughter and for me - that man called the high-school and dressed them down in a way that I am still grateful for and in awe.  He was amazing.  In so many ways - I will never forget someone championing me.
• I was so determined that she be better than I was, I was relentless with her education very young... and she could not retain the simplest letters or number combinations.  She could barely write her name.  I was incensed ...and I was stupid... 
• When she was in 2nd grade a teacher finally realized that Meredith has dyslexia and scotopic sensitivity.  Words/letters/numbers didn't look the same to her... (shame on me...)
• The same year we visited multiple doctors.  Meredith felt awful.  The doctor told me it was in her head.  Finally, she was so miserable that we went to the ER (and I was so frustrated with her because the doctor told me so many times there was nothing wrong - three months of nothing is wrong with her - she is creating in her head this sickness ...)  ... and in the ER, this small, 
• beautiful girl said to me... "Mom, I feel so bad... "  and I looked at the doctor and said, "We are not leaving this hospital until you figure out what is wrong with her."  ... And then... they realized this child has Kidney Reflux Disease.  Not only that - her system - her entire body - was shutting down from the stress of infection... and she was admitted to the hospital....
• She asked me during this extended hospital stay if she was going to die - I promised God, the Goddess and my very life, that I would never question her honest and real intuition again.  I was her voice.  I would be the most fierce voice the world has ever known.
• She wanted to travel and I always tried to clear the path of her wants - Colorado, New York, and Europe.
• She wanted to highlight her music ability and we searched for colleges that could foster her talents.
• I begged her to take basic high-school courses - she refused.  She said they were too easy and then she studied for 5 hours + every night to pass the advanced classes with a C or B.
• I asked her to take the easy roads and she was determined to take the most difficult.
• She has felt a duty to care for her younger brother and has stood toe to toe with me when I have been staunch in my position.  She is a phenomenal older sister. 
• She picked a college that was conservative in nature and she stood toe to toe with conservative/closed-minded souls who valued the concepts of strange ideologies more than they did real people.  
• Meredith is the champion of real people.
• She makes me so proud - just her very being - how in the world did this soul come from me...

There's so much more to this story - but I welcome you world - I bless you ... with the gift of Meredith Star.  She is of the Divine. 

She is of me.

And I am forever blessed.